Seven years ago when Marshall and Lily got engaged Ted saw Robin across a crowded room and I said 'oh yeah you just know she likes it dirty', but Ted really liked her, so we played 'Have You met Ted?' They went to dinner, he walked her home, should have kissed her, didn't - lame.
So he stole the Smurf penis, went back to her place, should have kissed her, didn't - lame.
He threw three parties, they kissed on the roof but decided to be friends - lame.
Then Ted wanted to take Robin to a wedding, she couldn't go, he went alone and met Victoria. Didn't kiss her either - lame.
Not a great closer Ted. Then he finally kissed her, they started dating, she went to Germany. Ted kissed Robin, lost Victoria, Ted did a rain dance, got Robin. Ted and Robin broke up, Robin moved to Brazil came back with a Latin stud.
Ted got jealous, got a tramp stamp, not really relevant to the story I just like mentioning it as much as possible. I hooked up with Robin, Ted and I stopped being friends, Ted got hit by a bus, we made up... Robin and I started dating and I got fat, her hair fell out, we broke up. Robin dated Don, I dated Nora. I cheated on her with Robin, I dumped Nora. Robin dated Kevin but not for long and then I met you and you took my Grandpa's watch, but I fell in love with you anyway and you let me fart in front of you and I asked you to marry me and you said 'yes', so we came over here to meet little Marvin and that's everything. Also I went on the Price Is Right and I won a dune buggy.
Airport Security: 'How did you get that through the X-Ray machine?'
Barney: 'No questions from the audience, please!'
This guy he's done everything right. He's been loving and devoted since he was 18 years old. There are only a few truly great people on this planet and he is one of them.0
We're going to Buffalo... and I've seen women from there; the city's aptly named.0
Barney: 'Let me choose your child's middle name! Because I have thought up the most awesome name of all time.'
Marshall: 'What's the middle name?'
Barney: 'Wait for it.'
Marshall: 'I'm waiting.'
Barney: 'Wait for it.'
Marshall: 'I said I'm waiting.'
Barney: 'Wait for it.'
Marshall: 'What's the middle name?'
Barney: 'No, the middle name is 'Wait For It'. Let's say his first name is, oh, I don't know, 'Barney'. He'd be Barney 'Wait For It' Eriksen. How awesome is that?'
Oh, come on. If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.0
Barney: 'How's the single life?'
Ted: 'I wouldn't know. After this whole Robin thing, I'm laying low.'
Barney: 'Laying low as in sleeping with a really short chick? You guys doing thirty-nine?'
You give me one hour of phone-free bro time, during which we, and by we I mean you, get magnificently, mythologically drunk. I'm talking needing-subtitles-when-you-speak drunk.0
Quinn: 'What is an executive strategy coordinator?'
Barney: 'It's three corporate-sounding words which, when added together, equal a fake job for which you get a real paycheck.'
From here on in, every single night of our lives will be a night, we'll never forget. Starting tonight!
- The night we started a Mariachi Band!
- The night we ate everything on the menu!
- The night we brought a horse into the bar!
- The night we bungee-jumped off the Statue of Liberty!
- The night we stole a mummy from the Natural History Museum!
- The night we partied with the mole people
- The night we tracked down Phil Collins, became best friends with him, and talked him into reuniting with Peter Gabriel, and then we got to sing back-up on the new Genesis album and it was awesome!
- The night we stole a camel!
- The night you got locked out in your pajamas and Robin landed a freakin' helicopter and there's still time to reunite Genesis!
Marshall: 'Lily dream-banged someone we know.'
Barney: 'Okay, you caught me vermilion-handed. The truth is, I've spent the last five years trying to inception your wife.'
Marshall: 'That movie only came out two years ago.'
Barney: 'What movie?'
If there was any shame in a dude getting a pedicure I don't think there would've been a feature about it in Details magazine.0
Ted, every little boy wants to grow up to nail the doctor, or the lawyer. Somebody's gotta nail the receptionist.0
For the first time in my life, I don't want to find myself in three years with some random girl. No matter how many boobs she has.0
Back boobs! The visual stimulation of missionary meets the emotional detachment of doggy style... patent pending.0
I'm KFC baby - you don't mess with the Colonel's recipe!0
Fine I'll fill her in and I am so angry I am not even goin' to make a joke about 'filling her in'... which I did three times last night. Self-five!0
Ted: 'In a city of eight million people, you happened to walk into the club where she works? Maybe it's destiny.'
Barney: 'No, Destiny strips at 'The Melon Patch'. They're people, Ted. Try to keep them straight!'
Damn it, Ted! I was about to drop some sweet word play about logarithms and getting into a rhythm with my log.0
Ted: 'Oh, screw 'The One'!'
Ted: 'Every date I've been on lately has been brutal. Last week, I went out with a girl whose favorite band was Glee. Plus, it's almost Valentine's Day and I'm alone without anything close to a girlfriend. So... all aboard!'
Barney: 'I have never been more proud of you.'
It's 'The Little Engine with Wood', 'The Whore-ient Express', 'The Long Island Tail Road'!0
Yes! Tonight is gonna be Legen... wait, are we sure it's a good idea to go to a strip club? Shut up, Lily! I'm in charge now... Dary!0
Ted: 'Barney! I'm allowed to miss them, okay? They're my two best friends.'
Barney: 'I'm your two best friends!'
So you're pregnant? Huh, looks like nobody told your boobs.0
Robin: 'I'm such a mess. Why do you even like me?'
Barney: 'I guess cause you're almost as messed up as I am.'
Think of the pickup plays we can run as a father-son duo. There's the 'Father Knows Breast', there's the 'Bush Dynasty', the 'Lick Father, Lick Son'.0
You could help a friend, but instead you're choosing the hot girl in the tight tank-top. Your training is complete, I'm so proud of this kid!0
Ted: 'First it was too much eye-contact, then not enough - where do you look during sex?'
Barney: 'Into the hidden camera at future me, watching it.'
Hey kid, you know how your mom won't let you have icecream 'til after dinner, but then the waiting kind of makes it taste better? Well, I've been waiting two months for that bowl of ice cream - and tonight I'm gonna have sex with it.0
We just don't wanna rush anything, okay? We decided to wait, until she decides to let me have sex with her.0
Doctor: 'Don't worry, it's totally safe. Unless part of your big date involves connecting yourself to a car battery.'
Barney: 'Well, now it doesn't.'
He let me have her. I have to say, it was pretty noble of him. He fell on his sword so that she could fall on mine.0
Too many crazies had my old number, so now I'm all about disposable cell phones. I'll use one for a while, have my fun, then dump it and get a new one. And then I'll do the same with my phone.0
Zoey: 'Don't worry Ted, she's cute.'
Barney: ''Cute' means 'fat'!'
Zoey: 'She's not fat.'
Barney: ''Not fat' means 'ugly'.'
Judy: 'Who got Cousin Daphne drunk? She is 15 years old.'
Robin: 'Whoa, they grow big out here.'
Barney: 'And here's your phone number back.'
Lily: 'How did you do it?'
Barney: 'Oh God, you found one of the cameras. I swear that's the only one! Wait, which one did you find?'
Ted: 'Barney, I don't know if the oven is deep enough. Plus, it's a display made of cardboard.'
Barney: 'Huh. I should probably disconnect the gas.'
Hey, want to come to my house and play telephone? I got the string, you got the cans.0
That girl was just crying. She's so sad and defenseless... anyone have a condom?0
Dinner's a very intimate activity. It requires a level of connection and eye contact, that sex just doesn't. Call me old-fashioned, but I need to have sex with a girl at least three times before I'll even consider having dinner with her.0
There's something that I need to ask you and I want you to be honest with me. Why do white people like Carrot Top?0
Robin, girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a hotness expiration date and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still open the fridge, pick you up, give a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway, but it's all downhill from here.0
What you're doing right now. I'm getting a de-rection!0
Barney: 'You have no reason to be nervous. And I'm going to tell you why in one word.'
Ted: 'And what's that word?'
So you're the therapist. You know it's one thing to pretend to be a shrink and bang your patients, that's normal. But to do it for real? Little creepy bro.0
There is only one street where that is normal. Here's a hint: A giant yellow bird lives on it.0
Fine, you guys can have a baby, but only under these conditions:
1) You promise to always love me more than the baby.
2) Once a month, I get to use the baby to pick up chicks.
3) That may involve the baby falling from a two-story window and me heroically catching it.
4) No breast-feeding in front of me.
5) Forget about 4), you can whip 'em out whenever you want.
Ted: 'I made a bid online, I won the auction the next day and I got approval. I just finalized the paperwork.'
Barney: 'And was the Blair Witch easy to deal with, or did she haggle over the closing costs?'
Barney: 'I had a drinking game based on Robin. But it was actually ON Robin: I'd pour peach schnapps in her belly button...'
Ted: 'Dude, we agreed we wouldn't do this.'
Barney: 'Sorry. You're right. She didn't like it anyway. Said it woke her up.'