The best Quotes by Barney Stinson (Page 2)

Barney: "You have no reason to be nervous. And I'm going to tell you why in one word."
Ted: "And what's that word?"
Barney: "Dibs!"

There is only one street where that is normal. Here's a hint: A giant yellow bird lives on it.

Fine, you guys can have a baby, but only under these conditions:
1) You promise to always love me more than the baby.
2) Once a month, I get to use the baby to pick up chicks.
3) That may involve the baby falling from a two-story window and me heroically catching it.
4) No breast-feeding in front of me.
5) Forget about 4), you can whip 'em out whenever you want.

Not only are you wrong... but you are belligerently sticking to your guns and insulting me in the process. Robin Scherbatsky, you are an American.

There's only three things you'll ever see me fight:
The stubborn clasp of a bra.
Sexual harassment charges - nine for nine!
And the urge to vomit when, I see someone wearing brown shoes with a black suit.

Ted: "Do you have a cold?"
Barney: "I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out."

You know what they say about relationships. Every waking moment's a battle.

Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It's like the universe was saying: "Hey Barney, there's this dude, he's pretty cool, but it's your job to make him awesome."

Barney: "Check it out, I made a little game."
Lottery Girl: "And tonight's lotto numbers are: 19..."
Barney: "...age you moved to New York after a photographer 'discovered' you at a food court and said he would get you into Vogue Magazine."
Lotto Girl: "53..."
Barney: "...number of semi-nude pictures he took of you before you realized he had no connection to Vogue Magazine."
Lotto Girl: "22..."
Barney: "...age you claim you are."
Lotto Girl: "31..."
Barney: "...age you actually are."
Lotto Girl: "45..."
Barney: "...number of minutes it would take me to get you into a cab, out of your dress and into my Jacuzzi."
Lotto Girl: "And tonight's Super Big Ball is..."
Barney: "...what happens after we get out of the Jacuzzi. What Up?!"

A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth.

Barney: "Your challenge is accepted Lil, there is no girl too pretty
For I am Barney Stinson, Player King of New York City."
Ted: "You can't anoint yourself the king, just like that jerk, LeBron."
Barney: "He left the Cavs three years ago. Bro, give it up, move on."

I've been dreaming of that since I was five. Well, that and my own operational Death Star.

Lily: "I'm not paying for room service the hooker ordered."
Barney: "I've been there."

This sacred text was eventually brought to the New World in 1776 by none other than Christopher Brolumbus. And that's why he got to bang Pocahontas.

When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o’clock. All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.

In this fall - this is tough. In this fall I'm going to take my talents to Mouth Beach.

Sticky's even sent me a boob-shaped hand-sanitizer dispenser. It's clean and dirty at the same time.

Ted: "It's the Drunk Train! You crossed out all the stops and wrote V*gina-Ville."
Barney: "That's not true. That one says Boner Gardens."

You've been a hell of a wingman. And even though I think it's kind of gross when you pleasure yourself orally, don't ever think that means I'm not impressed.

I've got a new bro, a bro that puts all other bros to shame. The b*tches love him. He buries bones all day. No one chases tail like him. Why aren't you guys laughing? Oh, wait, I probably should have led with this: he's a dog! I've named him Brover.

I know this hurts little buddy, but you'll love again someday. Because time will heal a broken heart, but not that b*tch's window.

Bro, bro, bro your broat, gently to the bar
Hit on sl*ts, then do ten shots and...

Bro McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-bro
And on that farm he had some chicks, E-I-E-I-bro
With a hot chick here and a dumb chick there...

The big bro in the sky had answered my prayers. Allmighty five!

It's probably his... I've spent years, training my boys to swim the other way.

Robin: "I'm pregnant."
Barney: "Are you sure you're not just getting fat?"

Miss Garvey's parents may stay at our place as long as they like. Provided they each arrive in an urn.

We're going to Buffalo... and I've seen women from there; the city's aptly named.

From here on in, every single night of our lives will be a night, we'll never forget. Starting tonight!
- The night we started a Mariachi Band!
- The night we ate everything on the menu!
- The night we brought a horse into the bar!
- The night we bungee-jumped off the Statue of Liberty!
- The night we stole a mummy from the Natural History Museum!
- The night we partied with the mole people
- The night we tracked down Phil Collins, became best friends with him, and talked him into reuniting with Peter Gabriel, and then we got to sing back-up on the new Genesis album and it was awesome!
- The night we stole a camel!
- The night you got locked out in your pajamas and Robin landed a freakin' helicopter and there's still time to reunite Genesis!

Ted, every little boy wants to grow up to nail the doctor, or the lawyer. Somebody's gotta nail the receptionist.

Damn it, Ted! I was about to drop some sweet word play about logarithms and getting into a rhythm with my log.

It's "The Little Engine with Wood", "The Wh*re-ient Express", "The Long Island Tail Road"!

So you're pregnant? Huh, looks like nobody told your boobs.

Ted: "First it was too much eye-contact, then not enough - where do you look during sex?"
Barney: "Into the hidden camera at future me, watching it."

Hey kid, you know how your mom won't let you have icecream 'til after dinner, but then the waiting kind of makes it taste better? Well, I've been waiting two months for that bowl of ice cream - and tonight I'm gonna have sex with it.

We just don't wanna rush anything, okay? We decided to wait, until she decides to let me have sex with her.

Doctor: "Don't worry, it's totally safe. Unless part of your big date involves connecting yourself to a car battery."
Barney: "Well, now it doesn't."

That girl was just crying. She's so sad and defenseless... anyone have a condom?

Dinner's a very intimate activity. It requires a level of connection and eye contact, that sex just doesn't. Call me old-fashioned, but I need to have sex with a girl at least three times before I'll even consider having dinner with her.

So you're the therapist. You know it's one thing to pretend to be a shrink and bang your patients, that's normal. But to do it for real? Little creepy bro.

Barney: "I had a drinking game based on Robin. But it was actually ON Robin: I'd pour peach schnapps in her belly button..."
Ted: "Dude, we agreed we wouldn't do this."
Barney: "Sorry. You're right. She didn't like it anyway. Said it woke her up."

For some women it was the ashes of my parents. For others it was the trophy from Wimbledon and believe it or not, for one busty dullard, it was both. Game, enormous set and match!

I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby.
That's like taking fashion advice from... well, Ted Mosby.

How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend?
1. Never get them wet. In other words, don't let her take a shower at your place.
2. Keep them away from sunlight - i. e. don't ever see them during the day.
3. Never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast.

When will you guys realize, that the only difference between my real life and a p0rn0 is, my real life has better lighting?

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
You can't peanut butter your dick up someone's ass.

You have just become victims of the cheerleader-effect. Glad you asked: The cheerleader-effect is when a group of women seems hot, but only as a group. Just like with cheerleaders. They seem hot, but take each one of them individually? Sled dogs!

Marshall: "Let the dinnertainment begin!"
Barney: "That reminds me there's this other restaurant we should try sometime. What they do is, they cook you a meal, in a little room called a 'kitchen'."

So Robin? Guess who nailed the chick from "Metro News One" last night!

Barney: "Tell me more. Tell me more. Like did he have a car?"
Marshall: "So is he the guy who... how shall I say this like a gentleman? Robin, did he take your maple leaf?"
Barney: "Sounds to me like he gave you your first 'O Canada' face!"