Quotes by Barney Stinson (Page 3)

Barney Stinson is one of the five main characters from the tv-series How I Met Your Mother and well-known for his legendary quotes. Barney Stinson is acted by Neil Patrick Harris, who was awarded several prizes for the role.

Quotes by Barney Stinson
Quotes 101 to 150 of 1981 of 42 of 43 of 44 of 4
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 5 Episode 5

Not only are you wrong... but you are belligerently sticking to your guns and insulting me in the process. Robin Scherbatsky, you are an American.

America
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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 5 Episode 3

I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby.
That's like taking fashion advice from... well, Ted Mosby.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 5 Episode 1

How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend?
1. Never get them wet. In other words, don't let her take a shower at your place.
2. Keep them away from sunlight - i. e. don't ever see them during the day.
3. Never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 23

When will you guys realize, that the only difference between my real life and a porno
is, my real life has better lighting?

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 20

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
You can't peanut butter your dick up someone's ass.

Puns
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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 10

There's only three things you'll ever see me fight:
The stubborn clasp of a bra.
Sexual harassment charges - nine for nine!
And the urge to vomit when, I see someone wearing brown shoes with a black suit.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 9

Ted: 'Everyone has an opinion on how long it takes to recover from a breakup.'
Lily: 'Half the length of the relationship.'
Marshall: 'One week for every month you were together.'
Robin: 'Exactly 10,000 drinks, however long that takes.'
Barney: 'You can't measure something like this in time. There's a series of steps: From her bed to the front door. Bam! Out of there.... next!'

Breakup & Lovesick
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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 21

Seriously. Jesus started the whole 'wait three days'-thing. He waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, 'Hey Jesus, what up?' and Jesus would probably be like, 'What up? I died yesterday!' and then they'd be all, 'Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude...' and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and then the dude would be like 'Uh okay, whatever you say, bro.'
And he's not gonna come back on a saturday. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' their beards. No, he waits the exact right number of days: three! Plus it's sunday, so everyone's in church already, they're all in there 'Oh no, Jesus is dead', then bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days. We wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story!

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 7

You have just become victims of the cheerleader-effect. Glad you asked: The cheerleader-effect is when a group of women seems hot, but only as a group. Just like with cheerleaders. They seem hot, but take each one of them individually? Sled dogs!

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 7 Episode 3

Marshall: 'Let the dinnertainment begin!'
Barney: 'That reminds me there's this other restaurant we should try sometime. What they do is, they cook you a meal, in a little room called a 'kitchen'.'

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 4

Every year, there are a million
new, hot 22-year-olds walking into bars
and call me 'glass-half-full'... but I think they're getting dumber.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 4

Ted, no! You never break up a girl fight! Never!

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 3

My arm hasn't been this sore, since I was 13 years old and figured out how to lock a bathroom.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 2

Marshall: 'The tiniest little burger joint you ever saw. Tucked between a taxidermist and a XXX bookstore.'
Barney: 'Name two places where things get stuffed.'

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 17

So Robin? Guess who nailed the chick from 'Metro News One' last night!

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 16

Barney: 'Tell me more. Tell me more. Like did he have a car?'
Marshall: 'So is he the guy who... how shall I say this like a gentleman? Robin, did he take your maple leaf?'
Barney: 'Sounds to me like he gave you your first 'O Canada' face!'

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 8

Marshall: 'Jelly beans, fluffernutter, Gummi Bears, ginger snap... this is a grocery list!'
Robin: 'For who? A witch building a house in the forest?'
Marshall: 'Sugar helps me study.'
Barney: 'This is like the shopping a ten-year-old does when his parents leave him alone for the weekend.'
Lily: 'What parent leaves a ten-year-old alone for the weekend?'
Barney: 'And your mom was perfect.'

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 7

Barney: 'I met a girl last night. So perky and full of life and not at all fake.'
Ted: 'You're talking about her boobs, right?'
Barney: 'Si. And that wasn't Spanish, that was cup size. What up?!'

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 1 Episode 1

Barney: 'Ted, I'm gonna teach you how to live. Barney... we met at the urinal.
Lesson 1: Loose the goatee it doesn't go with your suit!'
Ted: 'I'm not wearing a suit.'
Barney: 'Lesson 2: Get a suit, suits are cool. Exhibit A.
Lesson 3: 'Don't even think about getting married until your 30.'

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 1

Where some choose to look at this bra half-empty, I choose to look at this bra half-full.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 2 Episode 22

Do not tell me you're gonna start searching for 'the one' again. The only time I wanna hear you saying 'the one', is if it's followed by the word 'hundred'.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 2 Episode 21

You wanna know what line doesn't work on a harp player? 'Hey baby, wanna pluck?'

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 7 Episode 2

I guess, if we're splitting hairs, then technically... there was a plurality to the times I've lied to women for sex-having-purposes.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 7 Episode 1

Get ready, Cleveland. The last man to screw you that hard and then disappear, was LeBron James!

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 2 Episode 18

Ted, your throwing your life away. This girl is blinding you with her shiny hair and her boob-shaped boobs!

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 5 Episode 5

I'll help you study. We're gonna stay up all night long. I'm gonna drill you and then we're gonna study. No, seriously. We're gonna do some cramming and then we're gonna study. No, seriously. We're gonna bone up on...

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 2 Episode 15

Lily: 'We'll all have a wedding dress camp-out. It'll be fun!'
Barney: 'I can't go. I've got this thing.'
Lily: 'What thing?'
Barney: 'A penis!'

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 2 Episode 14

I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it: Buck-naked. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies. What up?

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 2 Episode 12

Freeways have exits, so do relationships. The first exit, my personal favourite, is six hours in: You meet, you talk, you have sex, you exit when she's in the shower.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 2 Episode 12

Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.

Sex
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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother

There's kids playing hockey in the back. It's like you want us to make fun of you!

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 5 Episode 16

Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in the Pharma-Girl-Free-For-All. Side effects may include: loss of clothing, rug burns, shortness of breath and soar abdominals the next morning. What in the world is up!

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 2 Episode 8

Lily: 'We're going to Atlantic City to elope - right now!'
Barney: 'Oh, congratulations Lily! Marshall, you're getting married? What the hell?'

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 2 Episode 3

Robin, I'm his best friend, that's a commitment. Girlfriend, that's like a bad flu. Out of your system after a couple of weeks in bed.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 2 Episode 1

Whats your prescription, Dr. Estrogen? Eat Haagen-Dazs and watch 'Love... actually' until your periods sync up?

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 2 Episode 1

Ted: 'Oh hey, where are you guys?'
Barney: 'We're in a fundraiser, helping young women raise money for community college.'
Ted: 'Stripclub... nice!'

College
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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 2 Episode 1

Any time, a girl wants to get back at her ex-bodyfriends, we'll be there.
Any time, a girl wants to solve her father-issues through promiscuity and binge drinking we will be there.
Any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting 'what's up New York?', we will be what is 'up' New York!

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 1 Episode 10

Know what time it is? It's do-o-clock, lets ride!

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 2 Episode 13

In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story!

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 1 Episode 22

'Crutch down and bend over a little bit.'
Barney: 'Wow, It took five shots of tequila to have you in that position.'

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season Season 2 Episode 11

Ted: 'Do you have a cold?'
Barney: 'I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out.'

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 14

Talking to a woman that you have already had sex with, is like changing the oil on a rental car!

Sex
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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 1 Episode 20

Lily: 'Your job is very simple. At the wedding, do not sleep with anyone even remotely related to me.'
Barney: 'Yeah. Lily, you know I can't promise that'

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 1 Episode 19

Barney: 'This is one of those things you have to do before you turn 30.'
Ted: 'Sleep with a prostitute?!'
Barney: 'No, lose your virginity!... What up?'

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 1 Episode 19

Think about it, this is perfect.
a) It'll make Robin insanly jealous
b) You get to have sex with her
c) Maybe by getting to know Mary, you'll come to see that cortisens are people too
and d) B! All night long!

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 1 Episode 19

Barney: 'Or it's a chance to mess with her head by showing up with someone hotter. Even better. Triple-threat: hotter and bigger boobs.'
Ted: 'That's only two?'
Barney: 'Count again!'

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 1 Episode 13

Sorry buddy, wish I could help you, but my hands are tied. Oh no wait, that was last night!

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 1 Episode 12

Barney: 'Wow, Ted. You're gonna have to find a new member for yourself, cause I'm revoking your dude-membership.'
Ted: 'Yeah, how was that manicure yesterday?'
Barney: 'Invigorating... thanks.'

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 1 Episode 11

Very nice, Lily. You know, she is a guest in this country. So while you may choose to turn your back on her, I choose... to turn my front on her. What up!

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 1 Episode 17

It's the greatest samurai, who lets his sword rust in its scabbard.

Peace, Gun-Control, Intelligence, Swords
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Quotes 101 to 150 of 1981 of 42 of 43 of 44 of 4