Quotes by Barney Stinson (Page 4)

Barney Stinson is one of the five main characters from the tv-series How I Met Your Mother and well-known for his legendary quotes. Barney Stinson is acted by Neil Patrick Harris, who was awarded several prizes for the role.

Quotes by Barney Stinson
Quotes 151 to 198 of 1981 of 42 of 43 of 44 of 4
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 6 Episode 5

Ted, you know who's a million times hotter than the hottest girl I've ever slept with? Her okay-looking friend I haven't seen naked. Why? Because new is always better.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 12

This is my lucky St. Paddys Day suit. I have dry-cleaned many stain out of this baby.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 12

The World is going to come to an end tonight. Yes think about it. End of the World, Nostradamus, Notre Dame, Fighting Irish, Irish, St. Patrick's Day. This is it Bro. Bro-calypse Now... Bro-Mageddon.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 12

There's three rules of cheating:
1st: It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married.
2nd: It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels.
3rd: And it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 10

That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armani-clad and fully awesome.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 2 Episode 10

Barney: 'He's the awesomest, most best-lookingest, greatest guy ever!'
Lily: 'He's exactly like Barney.'
Barney: 'That's what I just said.'

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 2 Episode 10

Oh man, I am so excited that you're here! It has been forever since I have been around anyone even remotely fun!
[to Lily, Robin, Ted and Marshall] Huh... yes, offense!

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 1 Episode 16

Don't knock long-distance relationships, I really think they can work. I'm juggling four right now. There's Lisa in Madrid, there's Erica in Tokyo, there's Laura in Denmark. And Kelly on 34th street. The last thinks I'm a humble sheep-shearer from Kelani.

Long-Distance Relationships
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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 2 Episode 15

How to run a marathon: Step one, you start running. There is no step two.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother

There are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated: breast implants.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 2 Episode 18

Ladys and Gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's top 10 list. The category: Top 10 things i would have called my truck...
Number 10 - 'The Winne-Bango'.
Number 9 - 'The Pick-Up Truck'.
Number 8 - 'The Ford Explore Her'.
Number 7 - 'The You Scream Truck'. You Scream.
Number 6 - 'Feels on Wheels!'. Hello!
Number 5 - 'The Ride Her Truck'.
Number 4 - 'The 18-Squeeler'.
Number 3 - 'The Esca-Laid'. Ih-ih-ih!
Number 2 - 'The Slam-Boney'.
Aaand the number 1 thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back...
'The '69 Chevy'!

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 1 Episode 6

Every Halloween I bring a spare costume. In case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second chance to make a first impression.

Halloween
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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 1 Episode 3

Airport bar! Flight attendants, they'll get your tray table in it's full upright position. Say what?

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 5 Episode 17

I mean she just walked out. At least when I walk out on a girl I have the common courtesy to sleep with her first. It's called manners!

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 6 Episode 20

Woman: 'How can you not remember my name? it rhymes with your name?'
Barney: 'And I said my name was...?'

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 6 Episode 19

Here's the thing about me and tools: The only one I know how to use, is attached to me. And I'm not gonna try putting it in a TV... again.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 6 Episode 18

I am not 'with' Nora. Wrong Preposition! Later tonight I'm hoping to be 'on' Nora, right? Or 'under' Nora. Am I right? Or, we're all adults, so I'll just say it: 'behind' Nora.

Sex
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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 6 Episode 17

If I got serious with Nora, it would be like if Mother Teresa focused all her attention on one really hot orphan. With great penis comes great responsibility.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 6 Episode 17

She had a nice face, her booty was in place, but Barney don't chase.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 6 Episode 16

February 13th. A magical night, where a ten has the self esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a two.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 5 Episode 3

I like my testicles attached to my body, rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out!

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 5 Episode 6

There are so many great things to do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking?

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 5 Episode 7

You know what they say about relationships. Every waking moment's a battle.

Relationships
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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 5 Episode 8

Since I stopped dating Robin, there's this thing I haven't used as much as I would like. It's kind of big. Surprisingly heavy. Kind of leathery. And it's black.
This, my friends, is the playbook!

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 2 Episode 1

Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It's like the universe was saying: 'Hey Barney, there's this dude, he's pretty cool, but it's your job to make him awesome.'

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother

One of the 24 similarities between women and fish are they're both attracted to shiny objects.

Women
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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 21

I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I don't speak 'I-never-get-laid'.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 6 Episode 9

There is a 83% correlation between times when men are wearing a boutonniere and when they are getting laid... proms, weddings, funerals... thanks for the redhead, grandma! By the way, did you know that 'boutonniere' is french for 'booty is near'?

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 4

She really had a fat but: her fat butt!

Puns
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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 6 Episode 11

Breast-feeding... hot!
When those things swell up to three times their normal size, so do I.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 6 Episode 11

You lie to your husband all the time...
'That shirt looks great on you.',
'I love your mom.',
'I never fantasize about Barney when we're doing it.'
Sound familiar, Pinocchio?

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 6 Episode 11

Lily: 'Anytime a single guy hangs out with a married woman there are rules that must be followed: Rule number one...'
Barney: 'Don't use the husband's condoms, that's just rude!'

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 6 Episode 12

Lily: 'I'm pregnant.'
Barney: 'I've never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry - force of habit, congratulations!'

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 6 Episode 12

I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over thirty's. I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 15

Marshall: 'You're really telling me, that when you watch 'The Karate Kid', you don't root for Daniel-san?'
Barney: 'Nope.'
Ted: 'Who do you root for in 'Die Hard'?'
Barney: 'Hans Gruber. Charming international bandit. At the end, he died hard. He's the title character.'
Lily: 'Okay, 'The Breakfast Club'?'
Barney: 'The teacher running detention. He's the only guy in the whole movie wearing a suit.'
Robin: 'I got one. 'Terminator'.'
Barney: 'What's the name of the movie, Robin? Who among us didn't shed a tear when his little red eye went out at the end, and he didn't get to kill these people?'

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother

Never buy a girl flowers, 'cause giving her a living thing reminds her of babies.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 7

God. It's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me. Awesome!

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 14

Barney: 'Check it out, I made a little game.'
Lottery Girl: 'And tonight's lotto numbers are: 19...'
Barney: '...age you moved to New York after a photographer 'discovered' you at a food court and said he would get you into Vogue Magazine.'
Lotto Girl: '53...'
Barney: '...number of semi-nude pictures he took of you before you realized he had no connection to Vogue Magazine.'
Lotto Girl: '22...'
Barney: '...age you claim you are.'
Lotto Girl: '31...'
Barney: '...age you actually are.'
Lotto Girl: '45...'
Barney: '...number of minutes it would take me to get you into a cab, out of your dress and into my Jacuzzi.'
Lotto Girl: 'And tonight's Super Big Ball is...'
Barney: '...what happens after we get out of the Jacuzzi. What Up?!'

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 6 Episode 9

He has got to go. You need to be like:
You are the weakest link goodbye!
Punchy, the tribe has spoken.
Please pack up your knives and go.
Your work of art, didn't work for me.
You're times up.
I have to ask you to leave the mansion.
You must leave the chateau.
Your tour ends here.
You've been chopped!
You've been evicted from the Big Brother house.
Your desert just didn't measure up.
Sashay away!
Give me your jacket and leave Hell's kitchen!
You did not get a rose.
You have been eliminated from the race.
You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model.
You're fired.
Auf Wiedersehen.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 23

Give it a week, you'll get her back. And her front.
Oh! Did you feel that? I think we just had a 'what up?'-quake!

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 5 Episode 19

A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth.

Lies
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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 5 Episode 11

Barney: 'I only smoke in certain situations. Postcoital, when I'm with Germans, sometimes those two overlap, coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, precoital, on a sailboat, the day the Mets are mathematically eliminated every year and pregnancy scares.'
Ted: 'Why are you smoking right now?'
Barney: 'I'm always precoital, Ted.'

Smoking
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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 2 Episode 19

Ted: 'She was 15?!'
Barney: 'No. A 15. Like in blackjack.'
Ted: 'As in.. not sure whether you'd hit it?'
Barney: 'Exactly!'

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 1 Episode 14

Ted, the only reason to wait a month for sex is if the girl is 17 years and 11 months old.

Sex
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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 1

Female acrobats from Montreal, super flexible...
We┬┤re gonna get Cirque du so-laid!

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 5

Think of me as Yoda - only, instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro. I'm Broda.

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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother

It's going to be legen...
wait for it - and I hope you're not lactose-intolerant cause the second half of that word is
...da(i)ry!

Legendary
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Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 2 Episode 1

When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True Story.

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Quotes 151 to 198 of 1981 of 42 of 43 of 44 of 4