The best Quotes from Between Two Ferns

How does President Obama like his coffee? Like himself? Weak?

Zach Galifianakis: "You have a hit pop song called 'Starving'."
Hailee Steinfeld: "Yes I do. Let me guess, you can't relate?"

Zach Galifianakis: "You played in a movie called The Hunger Games."
Jennifer Lawrence: "Yeah. Isn't that your life story?"
Zach Galifianakis: "You shouldn't say that. That's off-putting."
Jennifer Lawrence: "You should be off-pudding. Because you're fat."

Zach Galifianakis: "What is it like to be the last black president?"
Barack Obama: "Seriously? What's it like for this to be the last time, you'll ever talk to a president?"

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I've never been in love... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.

I am going to be the next Ryan Gosling.

I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese.

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name - and you've never been to that bar before.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

My real last name is Galifianakisburg.

I think those neighborhood signs that say "slow children playing" are mean.

I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'

For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

When you fall, the real test is whether you can ignore the naysayers, pick yourself up and come back stronger.

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.

Look at Berlin, where Germans and Americans learned to work together and trust each other less than three years after facing each other on the field of battle.

To Michelle - my love and life's partner and Malia and Sasha - whose dazzling light makes everything brighter.

Peeta: "If you die. And I live I'd have nothing. Nobody else that I care about. Nobody needs me."
Katniss: "I do. I need you!"

Katniss, when you're in the arena, remember who the real enemy is!

Here's some advice: Stay alive!

If anybody even tries to whisper the word "diet," I'm like, "You can go f- yourself!"

If I don't have anything to do all day, I might not even put pants on.

Chefkoch: "Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as possible, one of you will have to marry him."
Stan: "Marry him?"
Chefkoch: "It definitely worked for every woman i ever met."

These days, I look in the mirror and I have to admit, I'm not the strapping young Muslim socialist that I used to be.

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

To never be sick can't be healthy.

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. Have fun and give them something to talk about.

Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.