When you date someone, it's like you're taking one long course in who that person is and then, when you break up, all that stuff becomes useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree...Relationships0
I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby.
That's like taking fashion advice from... well, Ted Mosby.
How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend?
1. Never get them wet. In other words, don't let her take a shower at your place.
2. Keep them away from sunlight - i. e. don't ever see them during the day.
3. Never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast.
There's something between us. Maybe my head was saying, 'nip it in the bud', because my heart was saying something else...0
When will you guys realize, that the only difference between my real life and a porno
is, my real life has better lighting?
It could be for a brother or maybe her sick dad.
[reads] 'And then I want you to do me on the couch.'
Okay, maybe not a sick dad. Or a very sick dad, am I right?
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
You can't peanut butter your dick up someone's ass.
I've got to find a way to introduce some wood into Bilson's dark atrium. I think you know what I meant.0
Karen: 'I'm sure all the exploited diamond miners in Sierra Leone would give you a high-five if they still had all their fingers. But really pretty - meet me upstairs!'
Robin: 'They only need one finger to give her what I'm thinking.'
Ted, honey, I want you to go outside and bite the curb. I'll be out in a minute.0
One minute we're just laying into each other, and then the next minute... well, same thing.0
There's only three things you'll ever see me fight:
The stubborn clasp of a bra.
Sexual harassment charges - nine for nine!
And the urge to vomit when, I see someone wearing brown shoes with a black suit.
Ted: 'Everyone has an opinion on how long it takes to recover from a breakup.'
Lily: 'Half the length of the relationship.'
Marshall: 'One week for every month you were together.'
Robin: 'Exactly 10,000 drinks, however long that takes.'
Barney: 'You can't measure something like this in time. There's a series of steps: From her bed to the front door. Bam! Out of there.... next!'
Seriously. Jesus started the whole 'wait three days'-thing. He waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, 'Hey Jesus, what up?' and Jesus would probably be like, 'What up? I died yesterday!' and then they'd be all, 'Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude...' and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and then the dude would be like 'Uh okay, whatever you say, bro.'
And he's not gonna come back on a saturday. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' their beards. No, he waits the exact right number of days: three! Plus it's sunday, so everyone's in church already, they're all in there 'Oh no, Jesus is dead', then bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days. We wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story!
You have just become victims of the cheerleader-effect. Glad you asked: The cheerleader-effect is when a group of women seems hot, but only as a group. Just like with cheerleaders. They seem hot, but take each one of them individually? Sled dogs!0
I have let you come wash my dishes. I said my oven needed cleaning, I invited you to a porno!0
Lily: 'I am gonna have to walk this earth, knowing Barney has touched my boobs.'
Robin: 'Yeah it stays with ya. His e-mail reminders don't help.'
Enjoy your mai-tai, because soon you will be wearing my tie!0
Ted: 'You know what else is getting cleaned, along with that cup-cake tray? My conscience!'
Victoria: 'You got anything else to atone for? My oven needs cleaning.'
Marshall: 'Let the dinnertainment begin!'
Barney: 'That reminds me there's this other restaurant we should try sometime. What they do is, they cook you a meal, in a little room called a 'kitchen'.'
Ted: 'Robin and I already had our backslide. Last Thanksgiving, not even that long ago.'
Stella: 'Did you place a large bet against yourself?'
Kids, morals usually come at the end of stories, but this one is so important, I'm gonna tell you now. Don't ever, ever invite an ex to your wedding.0
Stella's sister: 'I'm a vegan. I wish I could tune out that moral voice inside me, that says eating animals is murder. But I guess I'm just not as strong as you are.'
Ted: 'That's 'cause you need protein. I'll have the lamb.'
Every year, there are a million
new, hot 22-year-olds walking into bars
and call me 'glass-half-full'... but I think they're getting dumber.