The World is going to come to an end tonight. Yes think about it. End of the World, Nostradamus, Notre Dame, Fighting Irish, Irish, St. Patrick's Day. This is it Bro. Bro-calypse Now... Bro-Mageddon.0
There's three rules of cheating:
1st: It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married.
2nd: It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels.
3rd: And it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.
That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armani-clad and fully awesome.0
Barney: 'He's the awesomest, most best-lookingest, greatest guy ever!'
Lily: 'He's exactly like Barney.'
Barney: 'That's what I just said.'
Oh man, I am so excited that you're here! It has been forever since I have been around anyone even remotely fun!
[to Lily, Robin, Ted and Marshall] Huh... yes, offense!
Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story, the story of how I met your mother.0
I didn't give up on my dream house, because that's the thing about stupid decisions - we all make them, but time is funny and sometimes a little magical. It can take a stupid decision, and turn it into something else entirely.Decisions, Time0
Long distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.College, Long-Distance Relationships0
Don't knock long-distance relationships, I really think they can work. I'm juggling four right now. There's Lisa in Madrid, there's Erica in Tokyo, there's Laura in Denmark. And Kelly on 34th street. The last thinks I'm a humble sheep-shearer from Kelani.Long-Distance Relationships0
Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs... It's like we're the president.0
How to run a marathon: Step one, you start running. There is no step two.0
There are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated: breast implants.0
Ladys and Gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's top 10 list. The category: Top 10 things i would have called my truck...
Number 10 - 'The Winne-Bango'.
Number 9 - 'The Pick-Up Truck'.
Number 8 - 'The Ford Explore Her'.
Number 7 - 'The You Scream Truck'. You Scream.
Number 6 - 'Feels on Wheels!'. Hello!
Number 5 - 'The Ride Her Truck'.
Number 4 - 'The 18-Squeeler'.
Number 3 - 'The Esca-Laid'. Ih-ih-ih!
Number 2 - 'The Slam-Boney'.
Aaand the number 1 thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back...
'The '69 Chevy'!
Every Halloween I bring a spare costume. In case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second chance to make a first impression.0
Airport bar! Flight attendants, they'll get your tray table in it's full upright position. Say what?0
I mean she just walked out. At least when I walk out on a girl I have the common courtesy to sleep with her first. It's called manners!0
The Captain: 'Guess it's just you, me, and six hours in frigid international waters.'
Ted: 'Or we could stay in dry land, hang out with some witnesses?'
Barney: 'Her butt?'
Marshall: 'What is it, too much?'
Lily: 'Too low?'
Robin: 'Or ist it an issue of access?'
Woman: 'How can you not remember my name? it rhymes with your name?'
Barney: 'And I said my name was...?'
Ted: 'That beer looks a little flat.'
Robin: 'Yeah.. it's scotch.'
Here's the thing about me and tools: The only one I know how to use, is attached to me. And I'm not gonna try putting it in a TV... again.0
Anything sounds weird, if you say it a undred times. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl...0
I am not 'with' Nora. Wrong Preposition! Later tonight I'm hoping to be 'on' Nora, right? Or 'under' Nora. Am I right? Or, we're all adults, so I'll just say it: 'behind' Nora.Sex0
If I got serious with Nora, it would be like if Mother Teresa focused all her attention on one really hot orphan. With great penis comes great responsibility.0