She had a nice face, her booty was in place, but Barney don't chase.0
There is one difference between you and me: I'm not saying any of this to get in your pants.0
February 13th. A magical night, where a ten has the self esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a two.0
So that's it? A couple of white Urkels offer you sausages and you're gone?0
Desperation Day has come and gone and you have neither gone nor come.0
I'd say hump her brain out, but somebody obviously already has.0
I like my testicles attached to my body, rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out!0
There are so many great things to do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking?0
You know what they say about relationships. Every waking moment's a battle.Relationships0
Since I stopped dating Robin, there's this thing I haven't used as much as I would like. It's kind of big. Surprisingly heavy. Kind of leathery. And it's black.
This, my friends, is the playbook!
Ted: 'You're like Mary Poppins, if her magic purse was also filled with drugs.'
Robin: 'If? Ted, the kids in that movie jumped into a painting and spent 15 minutes chasing a cartoon fox. Spoonful of sugar? Grow Up!'
Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It's like the universe was saying: 'Hey Barney, there's this dude, he's pretty cool, but it's your job to make him awesome.'0
One of the 24 similarities between women and fish are they're both attracted to shiny objects.Women0
I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I don't speak 'I-never-get-laid'.0
There is a 83% correlation between times when men are wearing a boutonniere and when they are getting laid... proms, weddings, funerals... thanks for the redhead, grandma! By the way, did you know that 'boutonniere' is french for 'booty is near'?0
She really had a fat but: her fat butt!Puns0
When those things swell up to three times their normal size, so do I.
You lie to your husband all the time...
'That shirt looks great on you.',
'I love your mom.',
'I never fantasize about Barney when we're doing it.'
Sound familiar, Pinocchio?
Lily: 'Anytime a single guy hangs out with a married woman there are rules that must be followed: Rule number one...'
Barney: 'Don't use the husband's condoms, that's just rude!'
Lily: 'I'm pregnant.'
Barney: 'I've never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry - force of habit, congratulations!'
I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over thirty's. I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.0
Kids, you may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone's face, but there's a third option: You can just let it go, and only when you do that is it really gone and you can move forward.Lovesick, Comforting0
Oh my god, you have a monocle! Is this real? Is this really happening? Good luck killing James Bond!0
Marshall: 'You're really telling me, that when you watch 'The Karate Kid', you don't root for Daniel-san?'
Ted: 'Who do you root for in 'Die Hard'?'
Barney: 'Hans Gruber. Charming international bandit. At the end, he died hard. He's the title character.'
Lily: 'Okay, 'The Breakfast Club'?'
Barney: 'The teacher running detention. He's the only guy in the whole movie wearing a suit.'
Robin: 'I got one. 'Terminator'.'
Barney: 'What's the name of the movie, Robin? Who among us didn't shed a tear when his little red eye went out at the end, and he didn't get to kill these people?'