Bro McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-bro
And on that farm he had some chicks, E-I-E-I-bro
With a hot chick here and a dumb chick there...
Ted: 'You know, as your best friend, if called upon, I'd be honored to raise Marvin.'
Robin: 'If you want him to be raised by his underwear on a flagpole, Ted's your guy. If you want him pulling the chord on some other nerd's panties, I'm your guy.'
Barney: 'I'll teach that kid how to be awesome in ways you and Lily never could. It's going to be legend- wait for it... no, I won't wait for it and neither should little baby Marvin, so maybe it's better if you two just die right now... -dary!'
It is so nice to be out in the fresh air. You smell that? That's the smell of urine that isn't Marvin's.0
Run the montage of people who died this year until I get back and add Sandy, because when I find him, I'm gonna kill him.0
The big bro in the sky had answered my prayers. Allmighty five!0
Mrs. Buckminster was a spoonful of sugar. But so far, everyone we can afford on this website HeyNannyNanny.com is 'Scary Poppins'.0
Marshall: 'Are you sure this poo-poo didn't happen on your watch and you just ran out the clock until it was my problem?'
Lily: 'Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, right. What kind of mother lets her son sit in his own filth for an extra nine minutes and 42 seconds?'
It's probably his... I've spent years, training my boys to swim the other way.0
Robin: 'I'm pregnant.'
Barney: 'Are you sure you're not just getting fat?'
Quinn: 'In the event of divorce, Miss Garvey shall get full custody of Mr. Stinson's suits.'
Barney: 'Why? What would you do with them?'
Quinn: 'Nothing. I'd just sit around and watch them go out of style.'
Miss Garvey's parents may stay at our place as long as they like. Provided they each arrive in an urn.0
Quinn: 'I have to pay $2,000 every time I gain a pound?'
Barney: 'Not every time. Just if it shows up at the weekly weigh-in.'
Seven years ago when Marshall and Lily got engaged Ted saw Robin across a crowded room and I said 'oh yeah you just know she likes it dirty', but Ted really liked her, so we played 'Have You met Ted?' They went to dinner, he walked her home, should have kissed her, didn't - lame.
So he stole the Smurf penis, went back to her place, should have kissed her, didn't - lame.
He threw three parties, they kissed on the roof but decided to be friends - lame.
Then Ted wanted to take Robin to a wedding, she couldn't go, he went alone and met Victoria. Didn't kiss her either - lame.
Not a great closer Ted. Then he finally kissed her, they started dating, she went to Germany. Ted kissed Robin, lost Victoria, Ted did a rain dance, got Robin. Ted and Robin broke up, Robin moved to Brazil came back with a Latin stud.
Ted got jealous, got a tramp stamp, not really relevant to the story I just like mentioning it as much as possible. I hooked up with Robin, Ted and I stopped being friends, Ted got hit by a bus, we made up... Robin and I started dating and I got fat, her hair fell out, we broke up. Robin dated Don, I dated Nora. I cheated on her with Robin, I dumped Nora. Robin dated Kevin but not for long and then I met you and you took my Grandpa's watch, but I fell in love with you anyway and you let me fart in front of you and I asked you to marry me and you said 'yes', so we came over here to meet little Marvin and that's everything. Also I went on the Price Is Right and I won a dune buggy.
Ted: 'When you leave someone at the altar, you always leave a note. It's common courtesy.'
Victoria: 'I think common courtesy went out the window when I did.'
Hey, it's me again. Look, who are we kidding? You and I are both attracted to each other. We're young, we're drunk, half of us anyway. And we only get one life, so why don't you come over to my apartment and we'll think of something stupid to do together?0
Ted: 'The road to this day has had a few twists and turns, hasn't it?'
Marshall: 'Yeah... just a few. In a weird way, it all makes sense though, doesn't it?'
Barney: 'Canada sucks.'
Robin: 'Okay, well, you're one-quarter Canadian, so by that logic you one-quarter suck!'
Barney: 'I'm 100% awesome and you know it!'
Robin: 'Yeah, I do.'
Airport Security: 'How did you get that through the X-Ray machine?'
Barney: 'No questions from the audience, please!'
Let's hit a motel, jam in a quickie and get you back to your wedding.0
If we miss Hawaii because of this, guess who's not doing 'The Disappearing Salami' anytime soon?0
Barney: 'The Disappearing Salami... Mr. Flanagan's wife shot him before he could ever tell me what the trick was.'
Quinn: 'Yeah, that guy was banging your mom!'
Destined? Aren't you tired of waiting for destiny, Ted? Isn't it time to make your own destiny?Fate / Destiny0
I hired a decorator and I asked him: 'What would the inside of Tinkerbell's vagina look like?'
And the kid just ran with it!
Ted: 'Victoria was great.'
Robin: 'Exactly, and you threw it all away to chase after some hot piece of ass.'
Ted: 'You mean you?'
Robin: 'Thank you!'
This guy he's done everything right. He's been loving and devoted since he was 18 years old. There are only a few truly great people on this planet and he is one of them.0
We're going to Buffalo... and I've seen women from there; the city's aptly named.0
Kids, sometimes the universe sends exactly what you ask for. Other times... it sends Lily's dad.0
The baby slide right out, huh? It's like a 'whoosh', like a waterslide. [Lily screaming] Slightly painful waterslide.0
If you don't push, I will shove that baby up your throat and pull it out of your mouth!0
Ted: 'Uh, the time Lily went into labor!'
Lily: 'That's now!'
Ted: 'Sorry, I'm running out of stories.'
Robin: 'That was not cool, Ted.'
Robin: 'That wasn't cool, Ted?'
Oh, we're busting apple bags? I can bust apple bags.0
Barney: 'Let me choose your child's middle name! Because I have thought up the most awesome name of all time.'
Marshall: 'What's the middle name?'
Barney: 'Wait for it.'
Marshall: 'I'm waiting.'
Barney: 'Wait for it.'
Marshall: 'I said I'm waiting.'
Barney: 'Wait for it.'
Marshall: 'What's the middle name?'
Barney: 'No, the middle name is 'Wait For It'. Let's say his first name is, oh, I don't know, 'Barney'. He'd be Barney 'Wait For It' Eriksen. How awesome is that?'
When I was 13, my father caught me kissing a boy, so he sent me to our family's ranch for foaling season. Once you see a baby horse erupt through that birth canal, you stop even touching yourself!0
Oh, come on. If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.0
Baby, can we grow sandwiches behind the garage?0
Looks like somebody suffered from premature slapulation.0
I think my soul just threw up a little bit.0
When Barney overhears that Ted and Robin have a secret to reveal at the wedding reception, he begins to guess what it might be.0
Barney: 'How's the single life?'
Ted: 'I wouldn't know. After this whole Robin thing, I'm laying low.'
Barney: 'Laying low as in sleeping with a really short chick? You guys doing thirty-nine?'
I know our relationship isn't exactly what you want it to be. And I know I may not love you the way you love me, but I DO love you. Isn't that worth hanging on to?0
Marshall: 'Excuse me, miss. When you get a chance, could you bring over a hundred shots of tequila please?'
Barney: 'I'll have the same.'
You give me one hour of phone-free bro time, during which we, and by we I mean you, get magnificently, mythologically drunk. I'm talking needing-subtitles-when-you-speak drunk.0
Quinn: 'What is an executive strategy coordinator?'
Barney: 'It's three corporate-sounding words which, when added together, equal a fake job for which you get a real paycheck.'
Barney: 'I scoured the dating sites, using my own personal logarithms, factoring in a broad spectrum of variables, filtering out undesirable high-risk negatives, guaranteeing a success-rate of eighty-thr...'
Ted: '...you picked the girls that showed the most boob.'
Ted it's fine, I'm a child of divorce. You guys keep fighting all you want - as long as the expensive gifts keep coming.Gifts0
Barney: 'I'm dating a stripper.'
Ted: 'Yes, I've seen your bus ad.'
From here on in, every single night of our lives will be a night, we'll never forget. Starting tonight!
- The night we started a Mariachi Band!
- The night we ate everything on the menu!
- The night we brought a horse into the bar!
- The night we bungee-jumped off the Statue of Liberty!
- The night we stole a mummy from the Natural History Museum!
- The night we partied with the mole people
- The night we tracked down Phil Collins, became best friends with him, and talked him into reuniting with Peter Gabriel, and then we got to sing back-up on the new Genesis album and it was awesome!
- The night we stole a camel!
- The night you got locked out in your pajamas and Robin landed a freakin' helicopter and there's still time to reunite Genesis!
Marshall: 'Lily dream-banged someone we know.'
Barney: 'Okay, you caught me vermilion-handed. The truth is, I've spent the last five years trying to inception your wife.'
Marshall: 'That movie only came out two years ago.'
Barney: 'What movie?'
Marshall: 'All pregnant ladies have crazy sex dreams. It's just her hormones going berserk.'
Barney: 'So who's responsible for her rapid thigh movement this time?'
Ted: 'Oh, my favorite was when she banged George Washington.'
Barney: 'I liked the three-way with Bill Cosby and Papa Smurf.'
Ted: 'Oh, he smurfed the smurf out of her.'
Marshall: 'Yes, while The Cos smurfed off in the corner - we all remember.'