Bro McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-bro
And on that farm he had some chicks, E-I-E-I-bro
With a hot chick here and a dumb chick there...
Ted: 'You know, as your best friend, if called upon, I'd be honored to raise Marvin.'
Robin: 'If you want him to be raised by his underwear on a flagpole, Ted's your guy. If you want him pulling the chord on some other nerd's panties, I'm your guy.'
Barney: 'I'll teach that kid how to be awesome in ways you and Lily never could. It's going to be legend- wait for it... no, I won't wait for it and neither should little baby Marvin, so maybe it's better if you two just die right now... -dary!'
It is so nice to be out in the fresh air. You smell that? That's the smell of urine that isn't Marvin's.0
Run the montage of people who died this year until I get back and add Sandy, because when I find him, I'm gonna kill him.0
The big bro in the sky had answered my prayers. Allmighty five!0
Mrs. Buckminster was a spoonful of sugar. But so far, everyone we can afford on this website HeyNannyNanny.com is 'Scary Poppins'.0
Marshall: 'Are you sure this poo-poo didn't happen on your watch and you just ran out the clock until it was my problem?'
Lily: 'Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, right. What kind of mother lets her son sit in his own filth for an extra nine minutes and 42 seconds?'
It's probably his... I've spent years, training my boys to swim the other way.0
Robin: 'I'm pregnant.'
Barney: 'Are you sure you're not just getting fat?'
Quinn: 'In the event of divorce, Miss Garvey shall get full custody of Mr. Stinson's suits.'
Barney: 'Why? What would you do with them?'
Quinn: 'Nothing. I'd just sit around and watch them go out of style.'
Miss Garvey's parents may stay at our place as long as they like. Provided they each arrive in an urn.0
Quinn: 'I have to pay $2,000 every time I gain a pound?'
Barney: 'Not every time. Just if it shows up at the weekly weigh-in.'
Seven years ago when Marshall and Lily got engaged Ted saw Robin across a crowded room and I said 'oh yeah you just know she likes it dirty', but Ted really liked her, so we played 'Have You met Ted?' They went to dinner, he walked her home, should have kissed her, didn't - lame.
So he stole the Smurf penis, went back to her place, should have kissed her, didn't - lame.
He threw three parties, they kissed on the roof but decided to be friends - lame.
Then Ted wanted to take Robin to a wedding, she couldn't go, he went alone and met Victoria. Didn't kiss her either - lame.
Not a great closer Ted. Then he finally kissed her, they started dating, she went to Germany. Ted kissed Robin, lost Victoria, Ted did a rain dance, got Robin. Ted and Robin broke up, Robin moved to Brazil came back with a Latin stud.
Ted got jealous, got a tramp stamp, not really relevant to the story I just like mentioning it as much as possible. I hooked up with Robin, Ted and I stopped being friends, Ted got hit by a bus, we made up... Robin and I started dating and I got fat, her hair fell out, we broke up. Robin dated Don, I dated Nora. I cheated on her with Robin, I dumped Nora. Robin dated Kevin but not for long and then I met you and you took my Grandpa's watch, but I fell in love with you anyway and you let me fart in front of you and I asked you to marry me and you said 'yes', so we came over here to meet little Marvin and that's everything. Also I went on the Price Is Right and I won a dune buggy.
Ted: 'When you leave someone at the altar, you always leave a note. It's common courtesy.'
Victoria: 'I think common courtesy went out the window when I did.'
Hey, it's me again. Look, who are we kidding? You and I are both attracted to each other. We're young, we're drunk, half of us anyway. And we only get one life, so why don't you come over to my apartment and we'll think of something stupid to do together?0
Ted: 'The road to this day has had a few twists and turns, hasn't it?'
Marshall: 'Yeah... just a few. In a weird way, it all makes sense though, doesn't it?'
Barney: 'Canada sucks.'
Robin: 'Okay, well, you're one-quarter Canadian, so by that logic you one-quarter suck!'
Barney: 'I'm 100% awesome and you know it!'
Robin: 'Yeah, I do.'
Airport Security: 'How did you get that through the X-Ray machine?'
Barney: 'No questions from the audience, please!'
Let's hit a motel, jam in a quickie and get you back to your wedding.0
If we miss Hawaii because of this, guess who's not doing 'The Disappearing Salami' anytime soon?0
Barney: 'The Disappearing Salami... Mr. Flanagan's wife shot him before he could ever tell me what the trick was.'
Quinn: 'Yeah, that guy was banging your mom!'
Destined? Aren't you tired of waiting for destiny, Ted? Isn't it time to make your own destiny?Fate / Destiny0
I hired a decorator and I asked him: 'What would the inside of Tinkerbell's vagina look like?'
And the kid just ran with it!
Ted: 'Victoria was great.'
Robin: 'Exactly, and you threw it all away to chase after some hot piece of ass.'
Ted: 'You mean you?'
Robin: 'Thank you!'