Quotes from How I Met Your Mother (TV-series) (Page 6)

How I Met Your Mother is a US tv-series. The quotes from the main characters Ted Mosby, Barney Stinson, Robin Scherbatsky, Lily Aldrin and Marshall Eriksen make the series legendary.

Right now, the ninth season of How I Met Your Mother is running on CBS.

Quotes from How I Met Your Mother (TV-series)
Quote by Robin Scherbatsky from How I Met Your Mother in Season 5 Episode 7

Well, maybe this isn't a breakup. Maybe this is two friends getting back together.

Friendship, Relationships
6
0
Quote by Lily Aldrin from How I Met Your Mother in Season 5 Episode 6

Marshall: 'I don't care if the dishes aren't done, okay? If you care, you do it.'
Lily: 'Great, then I don't care if you have an orgasm. If you care, you do it.'

3
0
Quote by Marshall Eriksen from How I Met Your Mother in Season 5 Episode 6

I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile in the other, that would make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but: thanks for your concern, rook!

Relationships
0
0
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 5 Episode 5

Not only are you wrong... but you are belligerently sticking to your guns and insulting me in the process. Robin Scherbatsky, you are an American.

America
1
0
Quote by Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother in Season 5 Episode 3

When you date someone, it's like you're taking one long course in who that person is and then, when you break up, all that stuff becomes useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree...

Relationships
6
0
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 5 Episode 3

I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby.
That's like taking fashion advice from... well, Ted Mosby.

1
0
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 5 Episode 1

How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend?
1. Never get them wet. In other words, don't let her take a shower at your place.
2. Keep them away from sunlight - i. e. don't ever see them during the day.
3. Never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast.

0
0
Quote by Robin Scherbatsky from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 24

There's something between us. Maybe my head was saying, 'nip it in the bud', because my heart was saying something else...

1
0
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 23

When will you guys realize, that the only difference between my real life and a porno
is, my real life has better lighting?

1
0
Quote by Robin Scherbatsky from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 21

It could be for a brother or maybe her sick dad.
[reads] 'And then I want you to do me on the couch.'
Okay, maybe not a sick dad. Or a very sick dad, am I right?

0
0
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 20

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
You can't peanut butter your dick up someone's ass.

Puns
1
0
Quote by Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 18

I've got to find a way to introduce some wood into Bilson's dark atrium. I think you know what I meant.

0
0
Quote by Robin Scherbatsky from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 17

Karen: 'I'm sure all the exploited diamond miners in Sierra Leone would give you a high-five if they still had all their fingers. But really pretty - meet me upstairs!'
Robin: 'They only need one finger to give her what I'm thinking.'

0
0
Quote by Lily Aldrin from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 16

Ted, honey, I want you to go outside and bite the curb. I'll be out in a minute.

1
0
Quote by Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 12

One minute we're just laying into each other, and then the next minute... well, same thing.

0
0
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 10

There's only three things you'll ever see me fight:
The stubborn clasp of a bra.
Sexual harassment charges - nine for nine!
And the urge to vomit when, I see someone wearing brown shoes with a black suit.

1
0
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 9

Ted: 'Everyone has an opinion on how long it takes to recover from a breakup.'
Lily: 'Half the length of the relationship.'
Marshall: 'One week for every month you were together.'
Robin: 'Exactly 10,000 drinks, however long that takes.'
Barney: 'You can't measure something like this in time. There's a series of steps: From her bed to the front door. Bam! Out of there.... next!'

Breakup & Lovesick
2
0
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 21

Seriously. Jesus started the whole 'wait three days'-thing. He waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, 'Hey Jesus, what up?' and Jesus would probably be like, 'What up? I died yesterday!' and then they'd be all, 'Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude...' and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and then the dude would be like 'Uh okay, whatever you say, bro.'
And he's not gonna come back on a saturday. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' their beards. No, he waits the exact right number of days: three! Plus it's sunday, so everyone's in church already, they're all in there 'Oh no, Jesus is dead', then bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days. We wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story!

2
0
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 7

You have just become victims of the cheerleader-effect. Glad you asked: The cheerleader-effect is when a group of women seems hot, but only as a group. Just like with cheerleaders. They seem hot, but take each one of them individually? Sled dogs!

0
0
Quote by Victoria from How I Met Your Mother in Season 7 Episode 3

I have let you come wash my dishes. I said my oven needed cleaning, I invited you to a porno!

1
0
Quote by Robin Scherbatsky from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 7

Lily: 'I am gonna have to walk this earth, knowing Barney has touched my boobs.'
Robin: 'Yeah it stays with ya. His e-mail reminders don't help.'

0
0
Quote by Marshall Eriksen from How I Met Your Mother in Season 7 Episode 3

Enjoy your mai-tai, because soon you will be wearing my tie!

0
0
Quote by Victoria from How I Met Your Mother in Season 7 Episode 3

Ted: 'You know what else is getting cleaned, along with that cup-cake tray? My conscience!'
Victoria: 'You got anything else to atone for? My oven needs cleaning.'

0
0
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 7 Episode 3

Marshall: 'Let the dinnertainment begin!'
Barney: 'That reminds me there's this other restaurant we should try sometime. What they do is, they cook you a meal, in a little room called a 'kitchen'.'

0
0
Quote by Stella Zinman from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 5

Ted: 'Robin and I already had our backslide. Last Thanksgiving, not even that long ago.'
Stella: 'Did you place a large bet against yourself?'

0
0
Quote by Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 5

Kids, morals usually come at the end of stories, but this one is so important, I'm gonna tell you now. Don't ever, ever invite an ex to your wedding.

1
0
Quote by Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 5

Stella's sister: 'I'm a vegan. I wish I could tune out that moral voice inside me, that says eating animals is murder. But I guess I'm just not as strong as you are.'
Ted: 'That's 'cause you need protein. I'll have the lamb.'

0
0
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 4

Every year, there are a million
new, hot 22-year-olds walking into bars
and call me 'glass-half-full'... but I think they're getting dumber.

0
0
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 4

Ted, no! You never break up a girl fight! Never!

0
0
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 3

My arm hasn't been this sore, since I was 13 years old and figured out how to lock a bathroom.

0
0
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 2

Marshall: 'The tiniest little burger joint you ever saw. Tucked between a taxidermist and a XXX bookstore.'
Barney: 'Name two places where things get stuffed.'

0
0
Quote by Robin Scherbatsky from How I Met Your Mother in Season 4 Episode 2

Robin: 'I just finished a seven-day cleanse.'
Marshall: 'I thought you just started that yesterday.'
Robin: 'I finished early, okay?'

2
0
Quote by Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 18

Stella: 'Ted, you're staring at my breasts.'
Ted: 'In fairness... they were staring at me.'

0
0
Quote by Stella Zinman from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 18

Ted: 'We can do it against the door. It will be hot. It will be like a three-way: you, me and the door.'
Stella: 'Yeah, but then it's going to be weird between me and the door tomorrow.'

1
0
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 17

So Robin? Guess who nailed the chick from 'Metro News One' last night!

1
0
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 16

Barney: 'Tell me more. Tell me more. Like did he have a car?'
Marshall: 'So is he the guy who... how shall I say this like a gentleman? Robin, did he take your maple leaf?'
Barney: 'Sounds to me like he gave you your first 'O Canada' face!'

1
0
Quote by Marshall Eriksen from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 14

Ted: 'Do not pretend you're not the kind of guy, who keeps a list of all the girls he slept with.'
Marshall: 'I have one. It's called my marriage-license.'

Marriage
1
0
Quote by Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 11

This is New York City, don't get close to the neighbours. You nod at them politely in the hall, you call the cops if you haven't seen them in a while and you smell something funny and that's it!

New York City, Neighbors
0
0
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 8

Marshall: 'Jelly beans, fluffernutter, Gummi Bears, ginger snap... this is a grocery list!'
Robin: 'For who? A witch building a house in the forest?'
Marshall: 'Sugar helps me study.'
Barney: 'This is like the shopping a ten-year-old does when his parents leave him alone for the weekend.'
Lily: 'What parent leaves a ten-year-old alone for the weekend?'
Barney: 'And your mom was perfect.'

0
0
Quote by Marshall Eriksen from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 8

Brother, you're driving the 'I-wanna-have-sex-with-her-truck' and its got a huge blind spot.

0
0
Quote by Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 7

I appreciate your help, but there's a reason your name is 'Robin', not 'Batman'.

0
0
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 7

Barney: 'I met a girl last night. So perky and full of life and not at all fake.'
Ted: 'You're talking about her boobs, right?'
Barney: 'Si. And that wasn't Spanish, that was cup size. What up?!'

0
0
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 1 Episode 1

Barney: 'Ted, I'm gonna teach you how to live. Barney... we met at the urinal.
Lesson 1: Loose the goatee it doesn't go with your suit!'
Ted: 'I'm not wearing a suit.'
Barney: 'Lesson 2: Get a suit, suits are cool. Exhibit A.
Lesson 3: 'Don't even think about getting married until your 30.'

0
0
Quote by Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 4

Marshall: 'Neither of you guys has any game, right? Or else you'd be married. Like me. If dating is the game, then marriage is winning the game.'
Ted: 'Yeah, if you're playing in the women's league!'

0
0
Quote by Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 4

Barney: 'You can't spell 'game' without 'me' and 'me' has the best game.'
Ted: 'Yeah well, I got so much game,
I'm Cornish game hen.'
Barney: 'Oh, yeah? I'm the New York State
gaming commissioner.'
Ted: 'Well, I'm The Game. Well-crafted, keep-you-guessing thriller starring
Michael Douglas and Sean Penn.'

1
0
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 3 Episode 1

Where some choose to look at this bra half-empty, I choose to look at this bra half-full.

0
0
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 2 Episode 22

Do not tell me you're gonna start searching for 'the one' again. The only time I wanna hear you saying 'the one', is if it's followed by the word 'hundred'.

0
0
Quote by Robin Scherbatsky from How I Met Your Mother in Season 2 Episode 22

Ted: 'Okay, time to get the horn back to the bistro.'
Robin: 'Oh Ted, I don't know if I can go again, that tuckered me out.'
Ted: 'No euphemism.'

1
0
Quote by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother in Season 2 Episode 21

You wanna know what line doesn't work on a harp player? 'Hey baby, wanna pluck?'

0
0
Quote by Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother in Season 7 Episode 2

Kids, you can't talk yourself into falling in love. It doesn't take days of deliberation. When it's real, you know pretty quickly and with absolute certainty.
I had forgotten that, but I was about to be reminded...

Love, Falling in love
6
0

Characters from How I Met Your Mother