Ted: 'I just thought he needed to listen to common sense and reasonable discourse.'
Robin: 'Oh, God. Tell me those aren't the names of your fists.'
Ted: 'They're my feet. I'm actually more of a kicker.'
Lily: 'How did you do it?'
Barney: 'Oh God, you found one of the cameras. I swear that's the only one! Wait, which one did you find?'
Ted: 'Robin, this show is so dirty, I don't know whether to hug you, or run a shower for you, so you can sit there alone, crying and clenching your knees.'
Robin: 'It's just bad camera work, okay? Wayne, our camera guy - he wasn't that great.'
Marshall: 'I don't know. I think he did a pretty good job, considering he was probably only using one hand.'
Ted: 'Barney, I don't know if the oven is deep enough. Plus, it's a display made of cardboard.'
Barney: 'Huh. I should probably disconnect the gas.'
I didn't realize you were small potatoes. And to be clear, I am referring to your testicles.0
Lily: 'Just give me his name!'
Robin: 'Fine. It's Bill Pepper.'
Lily: 'Kind of a coincidence there happens to be a bill and a pepper shaker here on the table. Any chance you and Bill had a three-way with Fork Napkin?'
Barney: 'Looks like that bee got busy.'
Ted: 'Looks like that French maid didn't turn down somebody's bed.'
Marshall: 'Oh, looks like Pocahontas has a couple of wounded knees.'
Ted: 'You name a chubby white kid LeBron and he's the one getting stuffed in the basketball hoop.'
Marshall: 'Then I'm also crossing off Shaquille, Hakeem and Dikembe.'
Hey, want to come to my house and play telephone? I got the string, you got the cans.0
Barney: 'I cannot stop staring at that girl's face.'
Ted: 'Face, huh? That's your weirdest nickname for boobs yet.'
That girl was just crying. She's so sad and defenseless... anyone have a condom?0
It's only once you've stopped, that you realize how hard it is to start again. So you force yourself not to want it.Lovesick, Grief, Missing Someone, New Beginning0
Dinner's a very intimate activity. It requires a level of connection and eye contact, that sex just doesn't. Call me old-fashioned, but I need to have sex with a girl at least three times before I'll even consider having dinner with her.0
There's something that I need to ask you and I want you to be honest with me. Why do white people like Carrot Top?0
Barney: 'Whoa, Ted, that thing you're packing is way too big to fit in that box.'
Ted: 'Yeah, that's what your mom said.'
Barney: 'How dare you?'
Ted: 'No, she actually said that.'
14 seconds! And already some dingdong is stepping up, thinking he can get some of this broke off.0
Robin, girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a hotness expiration date and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still open the fridge, pick you up, give a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway, but it's all downhill from here.0
Marshall: 'During that time, I have been, how do I put this delicately, saving all my love for you.'
Lily: 'I have read eleven books on conception, I have cut out alcohol, caffeine and sugar. I take my temperature every hour. But good for you for not playing with yourself!'
Lily: 'A big package just arrived.'
Marshall: 'Yeah, it did.'
Lily: 'No, no. It's a real package from your dad.'
Marshall: 'Well, that's a little weird, but yeah, it is.'
What you're doing right now. I'm getting a de-rection!0
Barney: 'You have no reason to be nervous. And I'm going to tell you why in one word.'
Ted: 'And what's that word?'
So you're the therapist. You know it's one thing to pretend to be a shrink and bang your patients, that's normal. But to do it for real? Little creepy bro.0
Nobody takes an intro class to get on any other path, but the path to not being hungover anymore. I learned that in my intro to something-ology class.College0
Ted: 'Trying to get them interested in architecture as a career.'
Barney: 'Why? Are we running out of buildings?'
Robin: 'Are we running out of boring people?'