The best Quotes by Louis C. K.

It's the way it works: Love plus time minus distance equals hate.

Whenever you leave behind failure, you're doing good. If you think everything you've done is great, you're probably dumb.

Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on.

I have a solution for the pandemic, by the way. We test everybody. Everytime we find somebody who has COVID, we kill them. That's it. That's the solution. We won't need another one after that one.

The whole world is just made of people who didn't kill themselves today. That's whose here - it's all of us that went, "okay, I'll keep doing it."

I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

What happens after you die? Lots of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you.

I finally have the body I want. It's easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.

People say "my phone sucks." No it doesn't! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.

Now we live in an amazing, amazing world and it’s wasted on the crappiest generation of spoiled idiots.

As a native Washingtonian, I am well aware that childhood obesity is a real problem in our nation's capital.

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

I call Washington "the city of the perishable".

Let me give you a little bit of free advice. DC is all about realtionships.

Alex: "You can't do that. You can't make promises that you won't be able to keep!"
Tom: "We're in Washington, they're the only promises we're allowed to make."

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog!

Don't waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. There is no more mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living.

Robin: "I just finished a seven-day cleanse."
Marshall: "I thought you just started that yesterday."
Robin: "I finished early, okay?"

If anybody even tries to whisper the word "diet," I'm like, "You can go f- yourself!"

Just burnt 2000 calories.
That's the last time I will bake pizza while I sleep.

Finding someone you love and who loves you back is a wonderful, wonderful feeling. But finding a true soul mate is an even better feeling. A soul mate is someone who understands you like no other, loves you like no other, will be there for you forever, no matter what. They say that nothing lasts forever, but I am a firm believer in the fact that for some, love lives on even after we're gone.

Our fingerprints don't fade from the lifes of those we touch.

A happy marriage doesn't mean you have a perfect spouse or a perfect marriage. It simply means you've chosen to look beyond the imperfections in both.

Lucy, every marriage is a dance; complicated at times, lovely at times, most the time very uneventful. But with Mickey, there will be times when your dance will be on broken glass. There will be pain. And you will either flee that pain or hold tighter and dance through it to the next smooth place.

But there are mistakes that are necessary. Sometimes you have to die a little bit to get back to live a little longer.

I make mistakes like the next man. In fact, being - forgive me - rather cleverer than most men, my mistakes tend to be correspondingly huger.

The number of "followers" you have does not make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12.

How others see you is not important. How you see yourself is everything.

Crazy times we're living in. I used to cough to hide a fart, now I'm farting to hide a cough.

I tested negative to Covid yesterday and positive today. No symptoms what so ever. Covid had the courage to challenge me. Bad idea.

I'm gonna talk about racism now. And this is a straight white man talking, so pay attention!

I think a girl is too young for you if you have to make airplane noises to put your c-ck in her mouth.

Smart women love smart men more than smart men love smart women.

Men always want to be a woman's first love. What women like is to be a man's last romance.

There's no death for those who don't fear it.

Death is so close, always, a breath away, so perhaps it was wise to introduce children to that concept at an early age.

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

To never be sick can't be healthy.

F*ck reason - long live the nonsense!

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Cynicism, to me, is trying to make people as unhappy as you are.

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.