The best Quotes from Jimmy Kimmel Live!

For every $1 we could raise, they'll remove one pound of plastic from the ocean. We're trying to raise $30 million by the end of the year.

I'm having a really good time. The costume's probably slightly different than you might expect. But to go back into the role [of Obi-Wan] is great.

The circus came back to town in Washington for the second impeachment trial of Donald OJ. Trump.

It was nice to get to enjoy an inauguration without a pit of dread in your stomach.

Trump's leaving office with his lowest approval rating yet. It's down to 29%. Which, for someone who recently incited a insurrection to overthrow the government isn't bad. Honestly, what would he have to do to get below 20%, Eat the constitution? Trump has the lowest average approval rating of any president in the modern era. The only one to leave office with a lower rating than that was Kevin Spacey.

If Martin Luther King were alive today, he would probably watch the news and go, "let me be more specific about this dream I had."

I wish we had somebody in a leadership position in the White House who would bring people together.

What ever I would do, I would be the one I am today. I chose football and I'm sorry for the other fans that are cheering for other sports, because it would be the same thing.

People told me, "When you come to Los Angeles, don't worry, you can walk on the streets" But since day one, it's busy everywhere. But it's my own fault. 'Cause when you play the way I do, I mean.

I wanted to give Los Angeles a gift. I was thinking a long time. And then one day it came like: I should give myself.

When someone with a beard attacks us, we tap phones, we invoke travel-bans, we build walls we take care of every possible precaution to make sure it doesn't happen again. But when an American buys a gun and kills other Americans, then there's nothing we can do about that? Second ammendment, I guess. Our forfathers wanted us to have AK-47s is the argument, I assume.

"Is Kumail Nanjiani's d*ck multiple colors?"
"Yes. Every shade of your mom's lipstick. And her b*tthole."

I've been waiting for this moment for a long, long time. This is like when I lost my virginity, except this is gonna last way longer than one second.

Apple is believed to be partnering with American Express on a new mobile payment system, that would replace carrying credit cards around. That way, you can lose your naked pictures and all your money in one easy step.

They have a new high-end iPhone called the iPhone 5S. The 'S' stands for 'shut up and give us your money'.

This is about as close as America gets to having a royal baby; Apple unveiling a new iPhone.

I feel like at this point, Apple's releasing products, just to see if there's anything we won't buy.

I've known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy. He's a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it - Jeffrey enjoys his social life.

In order to make America great and glorious again, I am tonight announcing my candidacy for president of the United States.

I'm not going to say it right now. So, everybody, I promise you, in the very next - very, very, very short period of time, you're going to be so happy.

If you want to stop the destruction of our country and save the American dream, then this Tuesday you must vote Republican in a giant way.

You see the mob takes the Fifth. If you're innocent, why are you taking the Fifth Amendment?

Since I left France, everything has gone downhill. France needs me, I don't need France. Even if you have Mbappé, Neymar and Messi, it doesn't help you because you don't have God.

This is for Mino Raiola. It's the first title I have won without Mino by my side. I was close to signing for Napoli, then he told me that I was the only one who could save Milan. So I dedicate it to him.

Broker: "I found a nice house, but has no furnitures."
Zlatan: "Then you go to IKEA and you get the furnitures."
Broker: "Rich people don't buy furnitures in IKEA."
Zlatan: "No, but intelligent people do."

Gerald Broflovski: "Well that does it, I'm going to the police!"
Stan: "For what?"
Gerald Broflovski: "To find out where Apple is keeping my son."
Stan: "Dude, when the police want to know where somebody is, they ask Apple!"

Jacob: "Are you Steve Jobs?"
Cal: "What?"
Jacob: "Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers?"
Cal: "No."
Jacob: "Oh, OK. In that case, you've got no right to wear New Balance sneakers, ever."

You will find that many of the truths we cling to, depend greatly on our own point of view.

Who's the more foolish? The fool or the fool who follows him?

Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase.

It's better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you're not.

You're like the iPhone 5 of German TV hosts. Thin, light and unnecessarily tall.

Yeah, so I have, like, a YouTube channel where I kind of use my engineering background to make sort of ridiculous things.

I was so happy to do it again, and so happy to work with Hayden again, and I hope we get the chance to do it again.

Germany... a country whose idea of a bedtime story is two children being left to die in the forest, before nearly being cooked and eaten and then murdering an old woman.

My kids are older now. They're kinda upset with me. They're not really upset, but they don't understand. I tell them all the time: "We" ain't rich. "I'm" rich.

Now I feel I have an unspoken deal with the paparazzi: "I won't do anything publicly interesting if you agree not to follow me."

Children are never born as racists.

I fell in love with football as I was later to fall in love with women: suddenly, inexplicably, uncritically, giving no thought to the pain or disruption it would bring with it.

Why can't we us thoughts and prayers to protect the border? It's what we use to protect our schools.