Quotes by John Oliver

Quotes by John Oliver
Quote by John Oliver from Last Week Tonight in Brexit II

That twerking pig may actually be the perfect embodiment of the entire Brexit situation. It's in motion already, we're all powerless to stop it and it is impossible to look away.

Brexit
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Quote by John Oliver from Last Week Tonight in Brexit II

Threatening the British by saying there will be only salt and vinegar on the table, is like threatening the French by saying there will only be wine and baguettes, or threatening the Swiss by saying there'll only be chocolate and Nazi gold.

French, English, Schweizer
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Quote by John Oliver

David Cameron announced he is stepping down in the wake of a vote, which should make me happy, but it doesn’t. It’s like catching an ice cream cone out of the air, because a child has been hit by a car. I’ll eat it! But it’s tainted somehow.

Brexit
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Quote by John Oliver from Last Week Tonight in Venezuela

Accusing America of creating Venzuela's crisis is about as fair as accusing O.J. Simpson of murdering Princess Diana. I'm not saying it would be completly out of character, it just happens to not be true in this particular instance.

America
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Quote by John Oliver from Last Week Tonight in State Attorneys General

It's interesting how your feelings on sueing the government can change a lot, based on who is saying it. It's like how, 'I'm getting off here', is a fine thing for someone to say, if they're standing next to the door of a train. But it's a rude thing to say, if they are masturbating on that same train.

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Quote by John Oliver from Last Week Tonight in Facebook

Calling Facebook a toilet is a little unfair to toilets. Because they make shit go away, whereas Facebook retains shit.

Facebook
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Quote by John Oliver from Last Week Tonight in Facebook

Our main story tonight concerns Facebook, the worst place to wish Happy Birthday to a friend, other than a funeral.

Facebook
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Quote by John Oliver from Last Week Tonight in Trade

Trade. The basic system of barter exchange that you have to do really carefully or you'll end up with Dwight Howard.

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Quote by John Oliver from Last Week Tonight in Workplace Sexual Harassment

[..] to an infamous story about a pubic hair in a coke can. Which is the most disgusting thing you could possibly discover in a coke can - other than Pepsi.

Cola
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Quote by John Oliver from Last Week Tonight in Guardianship

Senior citizens, the people who stay active by playing shuffleboard, going on walks or performing their hit-song 'I can't get no satisfaction' in front of packed arenas around the world.

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Quote by John Oliver from Last Week Tonight in Guardianship

Generally, Balls are to the human body what 'Starz' is to a cable package: It comes with it, we understand that, but it's not nice to look at and nobody really knows what to do with it.

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Quote by John Oliver from Last Week Tonight in NRA TV

The NRA, a group that feels about guns, the way the rest of us feels about Nutella. A little is good, more is better and you can tell me it's bad for me all you like, but you will pry it from my cold dead hands.

Gun-Control
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Quote by John Oliver from Last Week Tonight in Trump vs. The World

America ist the country that gave you Star Wars, you're welcome. And scientology, we're sorry about that. Sometimes what's great and terrible about us is just impossible to seperate.

America
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Quote by John Oliver from Last Week Tonight in Trump vs. The World

His approach is 'America first!' Foreign affairs is like sex. If you loudly announce that you will always come first, you're going to have trouble finding partners.

Donald Trump
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Quote by John Oliver from Last Week Tonight in Nuclear Waste

During WWII, we rushed into developing nuclear weapons, because we were trying to defeat the nazis, who - fun fact - pretty much all Americans agreed were bad at the time.

2017
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Quote by John Oliver from Last Week Tonight in North Dakota

Like Channing Tatum, North Dakota suddenly turned out to be a lot more interesting, once it was covered in oil.

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Quote by John Oliver from Last Week Tonight in Sex Education

Abstinence is a healthy choice, that many teens will make. Either by choice, or, as I can attest, by circumstance.

Youth, Sex
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Quote by John Oliver from Last Week Tonight in Mandatory Minimums

Prison sentences are a lot like penises. If they're used correctly, even a short one can do the trick... is a rumor I have heard.

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Quote by John Oliver from Last Week Tonight in Home Depot Commercial

Home improvement stores are a lethal combination of everything that can ruin a relationship: Spending money, reconciling tastes, long-term planning and fluorescent lighting.

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Quote by John Oliver from Last Week Tonight in Marketing to Doctors

9 out of the top 10 drug makers spent more on marketing, than they did on research. Drug companies are a bit like highschool boyfriends. They're much more concerned with getting inside you, than being effective once they're in there.

High School
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Quote by John Oliver from Last Week Tonight in World Cup Excitement

The only problem is, Budweiser is one of FIFA's key sponsors. And they sell a product they reflexivly insist on calling 'beer'.

Beer
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