The best Quotes by Jon Stewart

When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?

We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro", then isn't "congress" the opposite of "progress"?

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.

I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.

Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

You don't need to show up like a SWAT Team to rescue a Barbie from a little girl. If anything, you should be rescuing the little girl from the Barbie. Should be getting there like, "little girl, watch out! That Barbie can give you a warped sense of what a woman's body is supposed to be!"

All the teams in the NBA will not be playing basketball on Election Day. And the Knicks were like, "Oh, no problem we don't play basketball every day, that's just what we do."

The NBA has announced that they will not be playing any games on election day and instead will encourage their fans to go and vote. I will say though, not to sound cynical but, if the Timberwolves game is what was keeping you from voting maybe... yeah.

Crypto is crashing even harder, with Bitcoin plummeting 67% from its high, which I found really interesting. Because for, like, the past ten years, every single crypto bro I've met has told me that crypto would protect me when the mainstream economy failed.

Usually, when Boris Johnson takes a position, the opposite position is the right one. That's why his hair is always like, "Wherever he goes, I'm going the other way."

I'm just curious about how you even know when Rudy Giuliani is drunk. No, because when a normal person is drunk, they say crazy things, they yell, they sweat a lot. So how does that work with Rudy? Does it work in reverse? Like, does he start talking normally, his hair die sucks back into his hair?

What would I put in a museum? Probably a museum. That's an amusing relic of our past.

Everyone wants to write a book. Very few people are able to do it.

First of all, I wish I could grow a beard.

Regardless of our differences, this was still New York. A melting pot crammed onto an island, then pushed into a subway car with a rat eating pizza. You're not left or right. You're a New f*cking Yorker and we're in this together.

Klepper: "What does that mean, 'Their DNA is wiped out'?"
Anti-Vax protester: "Like, their immunity is getting wiped out."
Klepper: "Okay, 'cause COVID wiped out 600.000 DNAs."
Anti-Vax protester: "Yes, of course!"

You're gonna move the ocean into the desert? That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, unless they do it while Burning Man is happening. In which case, go for it. Please take a bath, you dirty hippies!

I know Liberals and Conservatives don't agree on much. But can we agree that you should not own a gun, if you don't know how to poop in a potty?

Trump Supporter: "It's an American ideal that we treat women with respect."
Klepper: "You gotta give me the back of that shirt one more time, that's too much fun."
Trump Supporter: "Trump that b*tch!"
Klepper: "Ha ha, we don't even see the irony of it... I love it."

Trump Supporter: "The regular couple... they work so hard, you know, and the gay couple they want more."
Klepper: "When you say 'more', do you mean 'equal'?"
Trump Supporter: "Yeah, they want equal."
Klepper: "And that's just too much?"

Trump Supporter: "The presidency is a man's job. A female has more hormones. She could start a war in 10 seconds."
Klepper: "Haven't all wars been started by men?"

Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do.

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.

Disappearances are bread-and-butter to journalists.

Listen to the scientists! Listen to what the facts are!

I love the earth. If you ask me it's the greatest planet in the world.

Oil is much too important a commodity to be left in the hands of the Arabs.

Canada also helped in two world wars and gave the world Neil Young, William Shatner, Leonard Cohen, Pamela Anderson, one quarter of Barney Stinson, instant mashed potatoes and best of all - you.

Give me your love and not your like!

A snake that crawled on the earth one day dreamed of soaring through the sky, though knowing it was impossible. Still, hoping beyond hope, it kept it's eye on a baby bird which it raised in its own nest, little realizing that actually the snake is prey because that bird is a hawk, ready to take to the sky.

Thanksgiving is almost here and as soon as people realize how much money they have to spend on holiday gifts, their wallets snap tighter than Kim Kardashian's legs after the wedding check cleared.

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

To never be sick can't be healthy.

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.