Jay: "I got you a little gift to celebrate. I know it’s not much...-"
Gloria: "It’s practically nothing!"
Phil: 'Little heads up - there's no way I'm not crying at this wedding.'
Claire: 'Phil, you cried on the way here.'
Phil: 'I was on the brink already. I watched 'Dirty Dancing' before we left.'
Sometimes I don't know if I love how much I fear Claire, or fear how much I love her.0
Haley: 'Dad, can you just please tell mom, that I can take a two hour break and go to a party?'
Phil: 'No Ma'am, I'm not stepping into that one. We're not playing 'good cop - mom'.''
Mitchell: 'We didn't just go to Vietnam for pleasure. We kinda have some big news.'
Jay: 'Oh God, if Cam comes out there with boobs, I'm leaving.'
Phil: 'What a beautiful dress.'
Gloria: 'Thank you, Phil.'
Phil: 'Oh, okay.'
Claire: 'Phil! She said Phil, not feel!'
Mitchell: 'It's been five years now and he still does this thing were he announces himself before walking into any room we're in, just to make sure he doesn't ever see us kiss.'
Cameron: 'Wish my mother had that system. Remember?'
Gloria: 'It seemd like all what we did was fight and make love. One time, I'm not kidding you, we fell out of the window together.'
Jay: 'Which one were you doing?'
I'm a cool dad. That's my thang. I surf the web... I text LOL - Laugh Out Loud, OMG - Oh My God, WTF - Why The Face.0
Mitchell: 'we've decided we really wanted to have a baby so, we initially asked one of our lesbian friends to be a surrogate.'
Cameron: 'Then we figured, they already mean enough, can you imagine one of them pregnant?'
Alex: 'Luke got his head stuck in the banister again.'
Phil: 'I got it. Where's the babyoil?'
Claire: 'It's on our bedside tip- I Don't know, find it!'
There are dreamers and there are realists in this world. You'd think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists, but more often than not the opposite is true. You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists, well without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground.Dreaming, Reality0
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration, and 2% attention to detail.Success0
When life gives you lemonade, make lemons. Life will be all like, 'What?!'0
Dance, until your feet hurt. Sing, until your lungs hurt. Act, until you're William Hurt.0
The most amazing things that can happen to a human being will happen to you, if you just lower your expectations.Expectations0
If you get pulled over for speeding, tell the policeman your spouse has diarrhea.0
Always look people in the eye. Even if they're blind. Just say, 'I am looking you in the eye.'0