The best Quotes by Trevor Noah

Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

You don't need to show up like a SWAT Team to rescue a Barbie from a little girl. If anything, you should be rescuing the little girl from the Barbie. Should be getting there like, "little girl, watch out! That Barbie can give you a warped sense of what a woman's body is supposed to be!"

All the teams in the NBA will not be playing basketball on Election Day. And the Knicks were like, "Oh, no problem we don't play basketball every day, that's just what we do."

The NBA has announced that they will not be playing any games on election day and instead will encourage their fans to go and vote. I will say though, not to sound cynical but, if the Timberwolves game is what was keeping you from voting maybe... yeah.

Crypto is crashing even harder, with Bitcoin plummeting 67% from its high, which I found really interesting. Because for, like, the past ten years, every single crypto bro I've met has told me that crypto would protect me when the mainstream economy failed.

Usually, when Boris Johnson takes a position, the opposite position is the right one. That's why his hair is always like, "Wherever he goes, I'm going the other way."

I'm just curious about how you even know when Rudy Giuliani is drunk. No, because when a normal person is drunk, they say crazy things, they yell, they sweat a lot. So how does that work with Rudy? Does it work in reverse? Like, does he start talking normally, his hair die sucks back into his hair?

No one has ever been delighted to be in Boston in December. December? What are you excited about? "Oh, I love chapped lips and getting thrown up on by Patriots fans, how peachy."

Today is Spotify-Wrapped-Day. The day that Spotify looks at our music and reminds us that we're all a basic b*tch. Thank God, Tinder doesn't do a year-end wrap-up just to remind you of all the terrible decisions you made on desperate nights.

California has officially announced that jaywalking is now no longer a crime. So congratulations to the Californians who like walking places. This is great news for the six of you.

The next World Cup will be in the US. Which means all the players will be allowed to use guns. Don't worry, they can't use their hands to shoot them... should be interesting.

The house still passed a gun-control bill. The only problem is that everyone already knows that it has zero chance of passing in the senate. Which has got to be rough for the house. You work so hard on something that you know is going to lose. They're like the New York Knicks of legislation.

North Korea, voted Korea of the year by North Korea Magazine for the past three decades.

I'm sorry that we live in a world where there are people who will put a gun before your lives.

Regardless of our differences, this was still New York. A melting pot crammed onto an island, then pushed into a subway car with a rat eating pizza. You're not left or right. You're a New f*cking Yorker and we're in this together.

Klepper: "What does that mean, 'Their DNA is wiped out'?"
Anti-Vax protester: "Like, their immunity is getting wiped out."
Klepper: "Okay, 'cause COVID wiped out 600.000 DNAs."
Anti-Vax protester: "Yes, of course!"

You're gonna move the ocean into the desert? That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, unless they do it while Burning Man is happening. In which case, go for it. Please take a bath, you dirty hippies!

I know Liberals and Conservatives don't agree on much. But can we agree that you should not own a gun, if you don't know how to poop in a potty?

Trump Supporter: "It's an American ideal that we treat women with respect."
Klepper: "You gotta give me the back of that shirt one more time, that's too much fun."
Trump Supporter: "Trump that b*tch!"
Klepper: "Ha ha, we don't even see the irony of it... I love it."

Trump Supporter: "The regular couple... they work so hard, you know, and the gay couple they want more."
Klepper: "When you say 'more', do you mean 'equal'?"
Trump Supporter: "Yeah, they want equal."
Klepper: "And that's just too much?"

Trump Supporter: "The presidency is a man's job. A female has more hormones. She could start a war in 10 seconds."
Klepper: "Haven't all wars been started by men?"

If you dare as an organization to certify the cancellation of the McRib, I will not accept those results. I'm gonna get a group of people together and we're going to travel and we're going to march down to McDonald's headquarters. We're going to McDonald's the first week of January to start the year off with a bang.

It's the 4th of July, that time of year when Americans who don't watch MSNBC, celebrate the nation's birthday.

Don't stereotype Asian people. Also, there's a good chance they're doctors, so they can help you out if you are worried.

I love getting in a Halloween spirit. I buy candy, and when trick-or-treaters come to my door, I eat it in their faces, to show that nothing in life is free!

Do you know how bad that coffee has to be to to be considered a health risk in New York? This is the same city where pizza gets delivered by a rat!

If you wanna spend money to have a shitty night, just go on a Tinder date: "Oh, wow. That's so interesting. I've never met anyone who likes to travel before."

The Metaverse is being made by Microsoft and Facebook, so you know it's gonna be boring as sh-t.

Close contact with disgusting creatures that may touch you? That's not a haunted house. That's a sleepover at Jeffrey Epstein's place.

When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?

We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro", then isn't "congress" the opposite of "progress"?

Humans only have one ending. Ideas live forever.

'Cause I'm just Ken
Anywhere else I'd be a ten
Is it my destiny to live and die a life of blonde fragility?
I'm just Ken
Where I see love, she sees a friend
What will it take for her to see the man behind the tan and fight for me?

I have nothing against Orlando, though you are, of course, far more likely to get shot or robbed there than in London.

I want you to know how sad I am to be giving up the best job in the world.

More trade with Qatar & Emirates is good against terrorism.

Change is not a destination, just as hope is not a strategy.

So cool that we can stream any song on Spotify these days. In the 2000s, downloading a single MP3 took several hours, and you had to be worried about the FBI knocking on your door the whole time.

I don't rate Heat fans like I rate Knicks fans. We are true basketball fans. No matter what - rain, sleet or snow, or even if we don't make it to the playoffs for 10 years - the Garden stands are still full.

Why can't we us thoughts and prayers to protect the border? It's what we use to protect our schools.

We're working on becoming more efficient with our energy usage, but those algorithms use as much energy as the whole country of Denmark.

How do you get $1000 in cryptocurrency?
Invest $2000.

On a football team, it’s not the strength of the individual players, but it is the strength of the unit and how they all function together.