Quotes from Two and a half Men

Quotes from Two and a half Men
Quotes 1 to 25 of 4812
Quote by Alan Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 10 Episode 2

Women reject me for 100 different reasons. White teeth would reduce that to 99 problems.

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Quote by Alan Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 9 Episode 20

Well, listen, just remember, that love will get u through times of no money better, than money will get you through times of no love.

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 24

Alan: 'Why don't you get a vasectomy?'
Charlie: 'I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago I believe there was a petition circulating.'

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 18

The damage has been done. All that's left to do now is drink until the part of the brain that creates mental pictures is dead.

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 16

Alan: 'I feel sorry that your heart has become so hard and small, that you've lost the capacity to connect with another human being on any level any more meaningful, than the inebriated exchange of bodily fluids.'
Charlie: 'Boy, leave it to you to take a beautiful thing like drunken sex and make it sound dirty.'

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 15

Alan: 'What are you afraid off?'
Charlie: 'I'm afraid I'm gonna hit you so hard, I'll be an only-child.'

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season Season 1 Episode 12

Alan: 'When a boy becomes a man - and that's what you're becoming - he has to start protecting the women in his life from certain things.'
Charlie: 'Like the truth.'

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Quote by Jake Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 11

Alan: 'You can't stay here alone.'
Jake: 'Why not?'
Alan: 'You know why not.'
Jake: 'But you don't have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore.'

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Quote by Jake Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 11

Alan: 'We judge a person by what's inside and not by what they wear.'
Jake: 'Lucky for you, huh?'

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 6

Alan: 'Charlie, there's a half naked woman in our kitchen!'
Charlie: 'Which half?'

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 5

It doesn't matter if you win or loose, it's whether or not you beat the spread.

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 3

Charlie: 'Don't cry, we can still be friends!'
Alan: 'What?'
Charlie: 'I'm sorry, it's the only thing I know to say when someone cries around here.'

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Quote by Judith Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 3

Judith: 'I'm very concerned, he's just a child. I don't know if he can deal with this.'
Charlie: 'Give your son some credit, he's an incredible kid.'
Judith: 'I was talking about you!'

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 2

Alan: 'Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears.'
Charlie: 'Okay, but you have to be my liver and prostate.'

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season Season 1 Episode 1

Charlie: 'You know who wrote that song? Your uncle Charlie wrote that!'
Jake: 'No lie?'
Charlie: 'Kid if I was gonna lie, it would've been 'Stairway To Heaven' and not 'The Maple-Loops-Song'.'

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 1

Dont worry, there's not enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere.

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Quote by Alan Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 9 Episode 8

Be sure to wear a condom, not everything stays in Vegas!

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Quote by Alan Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 9 Episode 8

I give you a hint: I didn't do the dog 'people-style'.

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men

Alan: 'Look, if you feel so strongly about this girl, why don't you just call her?'
Charlie: 'Yeah, sure, I could call her. I could also Fed-Ex her my testicles in a little silk bag.'

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men

Lord. You blessed me with a lot: more money than I know what to do with, a beautiful home, and a surprisingly resilient liver. You have truly given unto me with both hands, which brings me to my request.

Of all the gifts yo've bestowed upon me, none are a greater testament to your glory than Chelsea's heavenly breasts. I don't know why you couldn't have thrown in a sturdy spine so she could tote those things around, but who am I to question your methods?

Anyway, you probably know that she's thinking about tampering with your great work, and I was just hoping that you could, you know that, talk to her, return her to the path of righteousness and bodaciousness. Amen.

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men

Let us consider the hummingbird, Alan. Or the butterfly. All of God's creature are perfect just the way He made them. Except you. You suck.

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men

Charlie: 'Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whore-house.'
Alan: 'Excuse me?'
Charlie: 'You're constantly surprised when you've been screwed - and you don't want to pay for it!'

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Quote by Alan Harper from Two and a half Men

What happened? Did Starbucks merge with Hooters? Hooterbucks - I'd like a Double-D Cup Latte, please!

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Quote by Alan Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 9 Episode 4

Walden: 'Let this be a warning to you, Alan. There're women out there, that will be nice to you, just to get to your money.'
Alan: 'Thanks, but that's not very high on my list of concerns.'

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Quote by Alan Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 9 Episode 4

Lindsey: 'You're tall, good looking, very successful. Believe me, women settle for a lot less!'
Alan: 'And thank god for that!'

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Quotes 1 to 25 of 4812

Characters from Two and a half Men