Walden: 'Money does not buy happiness!'
Alan: 'I wouldn't know, I never had either.'
I could sprinkle you on the beach. It's simple, it's dignified and pretty girls covered with oil will be sitting on you all day. And like your life, except for the dignified part.0
I know what you said you wanted, but I really dont think Pamela Anderson will agree to swallow your ashes.0
[talking to Charlie's urn] Here we are, buddy. Just like old times, I'm talking and you're in a bottle, ignoring me.0
Charlie: 'Looks to be a beautiful day. Slightly overcast, but that should burn off in a few hours, leaving us with another sun-dappled afternoon in paradise.'
Berta: 'You still drunk from last night, or did you get a fresh buzz this morning?'
Charlie: 'With his grades, he might as well get used to pushing shopping carts around.'
Alan: 'Are you saying my son's gonna end up working in a supermarket?'
Charlie: 'No, I'm saying he's probably gonna end up homeless.'
Jake: 'Boy! Is your eye red.'
Charlie: 'You should see it from in here.'
Alan: 'You'll go to mom's funeral, won't you Charlie?'
Charlie: 'Of course! As the eldest son, it's my duty to pound the last stake into her heart.'
Jake: 'We had a surprise test today.'
Jake: 'I was really surprised.'
Charlie: 'Oh never again, never again.'
Berta: 'You gonna stop drinking?'
Charlie: 'Are you crazy, I'm gonna stop waking up!'
Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know they're there, but they're better left unfelt.0
Jake: 'It means 'sexually transmitted disease'.'
Charlie: 'I know what STD's are!'
Alan: 'Your uncle helped invent them.'
Jake: 'You know, they can be prevented by using a condom.'
Charlie: 'I know we could have prevented you by using a condom. Now we gotta use a hammer.'
Jake: 'I don't understand.'
Charlie: 'Go get me a hammer, and I'll show you.'
Jake: 'Okay.' [walks out]
Charlie: 'You must be so proud.'
Jake: 'Ballpeen or claw hammer?'
Alan: 'Do me a favour. When he comes back, just do it.'
Alan: 'I feel like the universe is playing some horrible practical joke on me.'
Charlie: 'Wow, I lost 8000 dollar playing poker, I have no idea where my car is, threw up in my mouth three times, and I'm still having a better night than you are.'
That 'Uhm...' is the battle cry of the chronic masturbator.0
She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.0
It's a shame, you paying all that money for an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house, and you're not allowed inside either one.0
Well, I want it on the record that if the kid was running a blackjack game under the bleachers, he didn't necessarily get the idea from me.0
Charlie: 'How did you get in my house?'
Alan: 'Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks, not sitting on your welcome mat!'
Charlie: 'Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it's impossible to find when you're drunk.'
Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain-cells.Alcohol0
You know what the problem is? The women, the drinking... you guys look at me and you think it's easy.0
Ah, cars. Where would we be without cars? And how would we get there?0
I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother.0