Quotes from Two and a half Men (Page 2)

Quotes from Two and a half Men
Quotes 26 to 48 of 4812
Quote by Alan Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 9 Episode 1

Walden: 'Money does not buy happiness!'
Alan: 'I wouldn't know, I never had either.'

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Quote by Alan Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 9 Episode 1

I could sprinkle you on the beach. It's simple, it's dignified and pretty girls covered with oil will be sitting on you all day. And like your life, except for the dignified part.

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Quote by Alan Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 9 Episode 1

I know what you said you wanted, but I really dont think Pamela Anderson will agree to swallow your ashes.

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Quote by Alan Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 9 Episode 1

[talking to Charlie's urn] Here we are, buddy. Just like old times, I'm talking and you're in a bottle, ignoring me.

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Quote by Berta from Two and a half Men in Season 3 Episode 13

Charlie: 'Looks to be a beautiful day. Slightly overcast, but that should burn off in a few hours, leaving us with another sun-dappled afternoon in paradise.'
Berta: 'You still drunk from last night, or did you get a fresh buzz this morning?'

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 3 Episode 17

Charlie: 'With his grades, he might as well get used to pushing shopping carts around.'
Alan: 'Are you saying my son's gonna end up working in a supermarket?'
Charlie: 'No, I'm saying he's probably gonna end up homeless.'

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 1

Jake: 'Boy! Is your eye red.'
Charlie: 'You should see it from in here.'

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men

Alan: 'You'll go to mom's funeral, won't you Charlie?'
Charlie: 'Of course! As the eldest son, it's my duty to pound the last stake into her heart.'

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Quote by Jake Harper from Two and a half Men

Jake: 'We had a surprise test today.'
Alan: 'And?'
Jake: 'I was really surprised.'

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men

Charlie: 'Oh never again, never again.'
Berta: 'You gonna stop drinking?'
Charlie: 'Are you crazy, I'm gonna stop waking up!'

Alcohol
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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men

Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know they're there, but they're better left unfelt.

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 6 Episode 18

Jake: 'It means 'sexually transmitted disease'.'
Charlie: 'I know what STD's are!'
Alan: 'Your uncle helped invent them.'
Jake: 'You know, they can be prevented by using a condom.'
Charlie: 'I know we could have prevented you by using a condom. Now we gotta use a hammer.'
Jake: 'I don't understand.'
Charlie: 'Go get me a hammer, and I'll show you.'
Jake: 'Okay.' [walks out]
Charlie: 'You must be so proud.'
Jake: 'Ballpeen or claw hammer?'
Alan: 'Do me a favour. When he comes back, just do it.'

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 6 Episode 13

Alan: 'I feel like the universe is playing some horrible practical joke on me.'
Charlie: 'Wow, I lost 8000 dollar playing poker, I have no idea where my car is, threw up in my mouth three times, and I'm still having a better night than you are.'

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 3 Episode 22

That 'Uhm...' is the battle cry of the chronic masturbator.

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 2 Episode 8

She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.

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Quote by Berta from Two and a half Men in Season 3 Episode 4

It's a shame, you paying all that money for an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house, and you're not allowed inside either one.

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 2 Episode 3

Well, I want it on the record that if the kid was running a blackjack game under the bleachers, he didn't necessarily get the idea from me.

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 1

Charlie: 'How did you get in my house?'
Alan: 'Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks, not sitting on your welcome mat!'
Charlie: 'Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it's impossible to find when you're drunk.'

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 6 Episode 3

Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain-cells.

Alcohol
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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 6 Episode 3

You know what the problem is? The women, the drinking... you guys look at me and you think it's easy.

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 4 Episode 22

Ah, cars. Where would we be without cars? And how would we get there?

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Quote by Berta from Two and a half Men in Season 2 Episode 8

I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother.

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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 3 Episode 9

Why are you dating a woman who most likely lost her virginity during World War II? And knowing her, probably not to one of our guys.

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Quotes 26 to 48 of 4812

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